A Doc's Life

How Long Should We Wait?

2011-09-19T22:26:00.003+08:00

I was waiting to see my Lokun the other day (yes, Dr Og IS ah pek and need to see dr also lah) and I had to wait one hour! The lady in front of me cow peh cow boo for being seen 15 minutes late, "Aiyoh, like that hor I tell you I might as well come late. Also get seen at the same time WHAT!!"

But then when it was her turn, she stayed in the consult room long long, refuse to leave and thereby contributed to my long waiting time!

Dr Og usually don't complain when I have to wait because my medical colleagues always waive professional charges for me la. Even at A and E, I also don't cut queue and most of the time I don't declare I am a doctor because I paiseh...

I know its quite a hassle to see a lokun because of the long wait. Its like tennis, you wait for the player to wayang abit, bounce the ball, swing the bat and suddenly everything is over in a split second! Still ok if its a sweet young thing tennis player but otherwise what a boring sport.

Waiting for doctor is the same thing. You wait and wait and when you enter the consult room its like kennah hypnotise, cannot remember what you wanted to ask and then the consult over liao!

But how long should we wait?

I'm not talking about how long patients should wait but instead how long should doctors wait for their patients? I can safely say that at least 75% of my patients don't come on time. The range of lateness can be from 5 minutes to anything like a few hours. But because the clinic staff don't want to offend the patients and always got something against doctors, the late patients still get registered and have to be seen.

If I had my way, I will not see any patients that is late. If you are five minutes late, its 50% of a ten minutes consult. Its neither fair to you as a patient to be seen in a rush nor to the doctor who needs to decide on your management.

Patients have many reasons for being late:

1) "Loctor, hospital boh parking one". This one quite true. They build hospital never build car park space one. Expect patients to take helicopter isit?

2) "Raining leh, din bring umbrellllllla". Singapore weather suka suka rain and Dr Og also don't like to take umbrella out, so can understand!

3) "I forgot got appointment until last minute than I rush out!". Aiyah, forgot then forgot all the way can or not?

4) "I was looking for my appointment card..." Alamak, the last time and the last last time already tell you no appointment card also can register...

5) "I come early also must wait!" Ok, you continue waiting.

6) "I was abducted by aliens on my way here!" Boh jiat yok!

7) "Loctor, I have to finish watching 爱 first."Courtesy of anon@1123AM

Sometimes, patients may be late because we cock up on our side too. For eg, they give patients a cardio appointment before the respi appointment and the cardio appointment got delayed.

And sometimes, doctors can be late themselves causing delays in the consult.

But in all honesty, patients being late is the number one cause of why you are not seen on time! The appointment time just keep getting shifted backwards and the ones who are slotted towards the end just gets seen later and later.

So I will like to make an appeal for all those who read this (you must be really bored) to go for your appointments with your doctors early. Simply because the reason why you are not seen on time is because you are late yourself. Have pity on doctors, they are humans and need to have their lunch. They also got family to go back to after work.

And surely you don't want to be the one waiting for one hour behind some kpkb woman.

Green Creatures

2011-09-02T20:05:00.000+08:00

As a young kid, I was often fascinated with mythical creatures such as the Yeti and Loch Nest Monster. It was even more fascinating when I visited Scotland that I did not see any monsters (unless you include those ang moh char bor who are double my size with more facial hair than my pelvic region) but instead found out that a whole tourist industry can be generated from these creatures of unknown origin.

But actually hor, there is also such a mythical monster that has been frequently sighted in our hospitals. In Singapore, we are unable conjure names like The ~~Abdominal~~ Abominable Snowman as its too hard to spell and cannot pronounce in Singlish. So we call this creature, AnAssF (pronounced N-S-F).

The AnAssF is green in colour (mostly) and was first sighted in the eighties. The sightings have become more frequent as our little island become more urbanized and congested (it will however be wrong to assume causality as con founders such as over pampering mothers need to be ruled out).

Possible areas for sightings include the A and E particularly in the middle of the night. He will appear out of nowhere with the chief complaint of "Can have MC for today boh?" If he manages to get a MC for today, he will routinely try his luck and ask for MC for the entire week. When asked what physical ailment he actually suffers from, he may have anything from anal itch / headache / eye pain / earache / sore throat / chest pain / armpit pain / leg pain / faint when exposed to sun. Over the years he has learnt not to complain of abdominal pain and/or diarrhoea as that will automatically earn him a PR which is generally unpleasant unless you meet one that enjoys prostatic massages.

Physical examination will invariably yield NAD ("No Abnormalities Detected" / or sometimes "Not Actually Done") but the kind doctors will always give him the benefit of the doubt. However, the real diagnosis will be revealed when you see the re-entry chop to Zouk on his wrist and it is Thursday wee hours.

Sometimes, the AnAssF may get admitted by some sotong amateur A and E locum, especially if the doting mother (another legendary mythical creature) is accompanying. In the ward, the AnAssF continues to have strange and unexplainable symptoms but no actual signs (except for the washout Zouk re-entry chop) can be detected.

It will not take long for junior doctors to know that the cure all for these green creatures is Atten-C (MC lah).

PS: That said, many NSFs have genuine symptoms. Some are also genuinely very stressed up since their maids are not there to help them do everything. Boy boy needs time to adjust lah!

4ever Young

2011-08-23T22:07:00.001+08:00

When I was a Houseman, I often see the fear in the eyes of the patients I treated.

The nice patient would say: Lokun you look so young... (then shiver)
The nasty one would say: Lokun you real one or not, now they let teenagers into med school meh???

Ok, the truth is I DO look young but I feel that looking young is better than being mistakened for your balding Professor. Tio boh?

A word of advice for patients, don't make your doctor kan cheong la. Wait he aim buay zhun, who suffer you tell me?

It has been ten years down the road and with the receding hairline, the complaints have been less. But recently I got one from a female patient.

Pt: Dr Og, you had a hair cut. You look much younger than the previous times I saw you...
Dr Og: Real or not?
Pt: Seems like you are younger than me right, I thought you are older...
Dr Og: Isit? Lemme see your ic number starts with what. yah... I abit younger la.
Pt: Like that I cannot see you anymore!

I can understand if someone goes to a nightclub and insist on someone younger. But I'm your doctor can? You think matchmake isit????

And I don't get tips ok!

Solid song from a forgotten era!

The Seventh Month

2011-08-16T15:16:00.001+08:00

Someone asked me why I have not been blogging.

Simple truth is that sometimes when I blog, I feel like I'm writing to myself, or worse, to ghosts.... since there is hardly any response from whoever is reading (if any).....

But since its the hungry ghost month, its highly appropriate for me to at least make an entry for the ghosts out there supporting this blog. (My mother will surely scream choy! and hit me in the head if she saw this)

Source: http://asiaparanormal.blogspot.com/

For the Chinese at least, the seventh month can be a rather scary time. We were brought up to believe that the hungry ghosts will do us harm and going out late at night and activities such as swimming were frowned upon during this month. The seventh month this year has been somewhat unsual in that we celebrated NDP in a big way in Marina and will be having the presidential election soon! The pompous fireworks and wong hei (王气) will surely send all the ghosts into hiding!

But that is not true for our hospitals! There remain many scary and unnatural things that we have to look out for!

The Ghost Whisperer

Technically not scary but suspected to be a spirit medium / tang-ki (乩童) of sorts who serves to bridge the living to the dead. He is usually a junior doctor who appears to be very busy and would disappear for a long time but not get anything done at all. When confronted he would insist that he has done a lot of work although not witnessed by any living patients. It is likely that he has an inert ability to see things that other normal house officers and medical officers cannot and was busy helping those poor souls still lingering the corridors of our wards. His disappearance can be explained by the fact that he transists between earth and the netherworld without really knowing. In actual fact, his colleagues all hope that he will go to hell too!

The real Ghost Whisperer looks nothing like this la!

The Lift

Frightful stuff inside!

Otherwise known as The Elevator. Super slow and often contains scary objects! The Lift in the hospital has a mind of its own having been possessed by the spirit of a nasty ward nursing manager who met an untimely death when the ECG leads, stationeries and paper she was hoarding fell onto her one day. True to her (mean) spirit, you will wait long long if you needed a ride to go to the upper levels. Worse, if you are really down on your luck, The Lift will bring you down to Level -18 instead where you WILL bump into your CEO!!

The Zombies

Another breed of doctors. Unlike the Ghost Whisperer, the Zombies are doctors who specialises in KLKK (Kia Lai Kia Kee) and have no specific directions (be it in life or in their medical career). They are seen wandering and bumping into one another, often getting in the way of those doing real work. Occasionally, by brownian, these Undead Walkers will wander into the canteen and start having a nice cup of coffee while their fellow doctors continue to slough to their deaths in the ward. The Zombies can be identified by their lack of expression and of eye contact. (Compare this again to the Ghost Whisperer who is often anxious and frightened having seen things they shouldn't...) The Zombies come to work in crumpled clothes having have no motivation whatsoever!

Blood stains from yesterday's surgery

The Gwai Lo (鬼佬)

Literally "ghost man" in Cantonese, these ghosts are often foreign and used to be mostly pale white when spotted in the past. Recently, black coloured ones have also appeared and have become so prevalent that you are more likely to bump into one of these than an actual Singaporean human! It is also pertinent to note that one must avoid them at all costs this seventh month as it is also Jay-See-I (pronounced J-C-I) haunting month. They may well be one of the auditors from Gwai Lo Land and it will be a straight road to hell if you kennah caught by them!

Bird Park II 之鸟中鸟

2011-06-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

R RATED, Read on if you are 18 and above.

Dr: Yes young man, how can I help you?
鸟人: Loctor ar, I cannot piak piak...

Dr: Pee-ark Pee-ark? What is that?
鸟人: Aiyah, piak piak loh you know... (moves his right middle finger in and out of his left fisted hand)

Dr: Oh... You mean to have sexual intercourse?
鸟人: Yah la, sex la. How loctor??? Can help boh? Got medicine?

Dr: So you have problems when you have sex with your girlfriend?
鸟人: No. I no girlfriend.

Dr: Prostitutes?
鸟人: No, my mother say cannot go find chicken.

Dr: Boyfriend??
鸟人: Loctor, you say I homo?? I hoot you understand???

Dr, puzzled: Then??
鸟人: I kaki lai! My left hand! (hand still fisted)

Dr, sighs: so whats the problem?
鸟人: I think I don't last long enough.... Can I have 伟哥??

Dr: But who are you having sex with??
鸟人 (grins): Don't have but I want to be stronger mah!

A Corn Job?

2011-06-17T18:36:00.003+08:00

Suddenly, in Dr Og's FB, alot of status say going Fire Drill. Seems like in recent weeks, there have been a spike in the number of drills performed all across the hospitals of our little island! If only I can bring my dog to work, he would be very excited! 

Well, there are no dogs in hospitals but there are DOCS. The everyday challenges of life and death are seriously insufficient to occupy the great minds of doctors. In between saving lives, docs are also expected to be involved in operational and administrative duties.

Jay in his corn field

The holy grail for the admin is of course Jay-See-I (pronounced as JCI). Jay is a Bee Kok Kia (from US) and every few years, he will come visit us in the hospital and See (actually more like scrutinize) how I am doing. He will issue you with a certificate if he thinks you are doing things right. 

But I think Jay is a con corn man, peer jiat one! Does he know anything other than corn to tell us what to do? No, no, no... In true Americano Bee Kok style, he gets you to produce books and books of standards, protocols and policies and then audit you based on the standards you created. Like that very sinang mah, Jay just make you do the work and collect his million dollars fee after he tells you how terok you are!

Actually like that also is very simple for us, as long as we make the policies easy for ourselves! But how can right? We kiasu, kiasi! We need to SM ourselves with the highest standards. If Jay tells us to jump 5 metres, we die die jump 10 metres!

In the ward... 

Medical Officer: Why I cannot use blue pen???
Sister: Bee-coz hor, Jay won't like it.
Medical Officer: But other wards can what!
Sister: You see you see, I photocopy blue ink not clear! Wait sure fail Jay-See-I! And you also cannot use fountain pen bee coz will fade. And you cannot use gel pen because will smudge. And...

Somewhere else...

Staff Nurse (SN): Doooctooor, harder! Yes, deeper!  
Senior Consultant (SC): I cannot tahan liao! (panting) How many more thrust???
SN: Oh Dooctooor, almost there! almost there!

The SC is of course performing chest compression on a mannequin at the Basic Cardio Life Support (BCLS) Course with the trainer who is the SN. Never mind that he is all 70 years old and might collapse anytime himself. Also never mind that he has 40 years of experience in Anaesthesia and the number of resuscitations he has done are too many to be counted. Even more never mind that his trainer has never resus anyone other than a plastic mannequin (and if the SC collapse the SN would fail in resuscitating him).

Why liddat? Because Jay-See-I...

Again, this is all very solid if we can maintain high standards we saboed ourselves with. But oh no... being Singaporeans, we only mug when the exam is round the corner, right? So in the half year prior to Jay's arrival, we suddenly gotta chop our names, write the date and time, use black ink (but no fountain pen), get accreditated for BCLS and of course, there's always the fake fire to learn how to run away from.

Interesting Fact: Fire was a discotheque popular in the 70s. The patrons were all bengs and lians chanting "Fire fire in the sky..."

Tags: Fun, JCI, Medical, Quality

The meaning of (my) life

2011-06-15T10:22:00.006+08:00

One day, my patient asked me this question as we were coming to a close of the clinic consult. This was a patient coming for her last review. She was going to be discharged from any further follow-ups as she has recovered fully.

Dr : "Well, before I discharge you, can I ask if you have any other questions?"

Pt: "Dr Flat, can you tell me what is the meaning of life?"

(Reflection is a great tool)

Dr: "Well, what do you think is the meaning of life?"

Pt: "..."

Dr: "..."

===

Life is what we make it out to be.

Al' Cheapo

2011-06-15T08:20:00.003+08:00

Claim kopi with envelope??? You think I so cheapskate???

Yes, I am :)

Only Human

2011-06-14T10:51:00.003+08:00

"The many docs who recognize themselves as regular humans are the ones who seem to empathize best. My doctor is a real person, I hope I am too."

From Twitter @DrOttematic

Spinal Reflex

2011-06-13T10:50:00.004+08:00

Once upon a time, in a country not too far away, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore full-faced motorcycle helmets while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see who they were. The authorities decided to ban all full-faced motorcycle helmets in the country.

In the next few months, the number of bank robberies reduced. Even though the number of motorcyclists who sustained severe head injuries and the number of fatalities from road traffic accidents increased, the authorities were happy since there were less bank robberies.

Within the next few months, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore ladies' stockings over their heads while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see what they looked like. The authorities decided to ban all sale of ladies' stockings in the country.

In the next few months, the number of bank robberies reduced. The sales of razor blades in the country increased rather significantly and the number of shops that do waxing sprung up all over. The authorities were happy since there were less bank robberies.

Within the next few months, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore toy masks over their heads while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see what they looked like. The authorities decided to ban all sale of toy masks in the country.

The children cried.

===

In many places, knee jerk reaction is the norm. The reason it is called a spinal reflex is because the reaction does not use the brain.

Changing Times

2011-06-10T14:22:00.001+08:00

Dr Tan Cheng Bock appears in the latest SMA News. Inside you can also see a picture of him with Dr Ang Yong Guan (of the jin jia cham, sibei cham fame) and Mr Tan Jee Say.

Times have changed!

Read the article here.

Tags: Singapore, Politics

The Nocturnist

2011-06-10T09:57:00.001+08:00

Dr Og read on ST today that Bee Kok hospitals have a new subspecialty called The Nocturnist!

It's been discovered that Docs at night very sleepy (ah bud den??!) and we need to train a new breed of nocturnal drs.

Vampires would have made the ideal NOCTURNIST, except that at the time of this blog, I still have not friend (FB or otherwise) a real one (though blood suckers are aplenty in any HR dept).

I think it's very impt for Singapore to quickly adopt this concept and start a residency programme to train vampire doctors! Trust me, Jay-See-I (pronounced as J-C-I) will soon audit you for the number of ~~bats~~ noctunal specialists you have working the witching hour!

And Dr Og volunteer to be the ~~master vampire~~ training director! In fact, I already have the training schedule in place. For the first year of residency, our dear residents just need to hang around. As precious residents, we cannot expect them to do any work before they are nortunalised can we?

In the second year, they will learn to take blood like true vampires; needles and syringes optional. The number of blood they can take shall be limited to ONE. (If you work them too hard, they will quit and the programme will fail! How can residency fail tio boh?)

The third and final year will be the critical year! This will be the toughest year where they will be required to stay from 11pm to 6am...... in a discotheque. Please understand that the Nocturnist will be permanently nocturnal. As such where else can he go relax and unwind on off days? As far as Dr Og is concerned, we should only have female residents since budget is limited and girls can get into discos free on ladies nights! We need work life balance for the pos Gen Z mah!!!

So you might ask, Where got training like that!!?? Come on, we must be fair and treat our residents as slack as the other specialty.

To bring the concept further, we should also have nocturnal multidisciplinary team with nocturnal nurses, OTs, PTs and MSWs... (and not just uniform night in the discos). What the heck, why don't we set up our third medical school as a Nocturnally Imperial College or Imperially Nocturnal College ( whose name come first is very important and needs to be deliberated carefully).

Sounds stupid to you??!! Yeah, it probably is...

PS: Love Song For A Vampire :)

RETRO SIAH!!!

Tags: Fun, Nocturnist, Medical, Vampire

Bird Park

2011-06-08T15:51:00.002+08:00

Via http://funny-pictures-blog.com/

In an outpatient clinic far far away, a tutorial was taking place...

Senior Doctor: This elderly gentleman said that he cannot stand. Uncle, can stand in the morning?

Ah Pek: Morning also cannot la.

Senior Doctor to Blur F**k Medical Student (BMFS): Please proceed with the examination.

BFMS starts examining Ah Pek's legs much to his displeasure.

Senior Doctor to BMFS: What are you doing???

BFMS panics: Er.... I can't find anything wrong with his legs, the strength and reflexes are intact... and he walked in just now.....

Senior Doctor: This is a urologist clinic you bodoh!

Tags: Fun, Urology, Medical Student

Dr Og's My Plate

2011-06-07T09:00:00.004+08:00

Something made Dr Og sibei buay song recently. I had not long ago taken much effort to teach and help my daughter memorize this:

Then the Bee Kok president, Obama's wife, Michelle intro a new version!

Wah lau, you all can decide or not! Wait I get scolded by my bao bei daughter leh... ask her learn wrong things!

Also hor, Asians alot cannot lim guni la! Dairy products eat liao lao sai... I as a prooo-fessssioner suggest this one better:

1. Wine is now officially part of Asian cuisine with the mainland Chinese buying all the La-fite and La-tour! Now the ang mohs cannot afford their wine liao so of course you don't see it included in the western version! Wine is also good for health loh and one glass a day decreases your cardiac risk.

2. If you don't like La-tour and prefer to La-Kopi, drink kopi orh kosong! Unlike dairy, it has zero calories. Don't drink kopi how to survive the rest of the day??? Especially hang over from last night's wine!

3. Honestly, I don't really know what is Grain in the original version la. Dr Og only knows that here in Singapore, we eat RICE. Ok la, roti prata also can.

4. Bak You is also an essential part of our healthy diet. If no Lard, you will have no Bak Chor Mee, Char Kway Teow and every other (tasty) dish you can think of! Those who claim that Bak You is Bad For You, show me the evidence! Show me a single evidence based literature that Bak You is bad!

5. Starch and MSG is essential for making those thick thick broth that we all like so much. Especially shark's fin soup! Don't believe the Ang Moh when they tell you sharks are endangered la. The last I check, they are still attacking humans in Bondi Beach Australia leh.

AND since people so gian to know what is on My Plate in the hospital, this is it loh:

We have lots of peanuts. Quite good la, a whole plate of it! You are also provided free water cooler H2O for lubrication while they shove it down your throat. If not enough, can find KY jelly anywhere in the wards!

Tags: Fun, My Plate, Diet

10 reasons why your Dr so BCC (Bin Chow Chow)

2011-06-05T22:09:00.001+08:00

Ever kennah black face by your doctor? Well, being a loctor is a very very pek chek job. Ten reasons why your doc so buay song during a consult....

1) He hasn't had lunch becoz patients like you tend to oversleep and all come just before lunch time.

2) He hasn't had lunch and becoz u decided to have your hair done first ( since you were late anyway) he is not gonna make it home to watch 爱 on Channel 8.

3) You were already late for your appointment but when you were called you went to toilet pang sai.

4) Even though you were in the midst of kegg sai (bowel output), you got your maid to enter the consult room so that the lokun cannot see the next patient.

5) You remarked that he looked too young (thereby insinuating he is not experienced enough) and caused serious ego injury.
Or you remarked that he looked very old (thereby insinuating that his self injected botox treatment failed) and caused serious existential anxiety.

6) You ask for MC but did not even bother to read wiki to at least get some symptoms correct.

7) You asked for sleeping pills, cough syrup, pain killers (when you have no insomnia, cough or pain) becoz your source in Geylang in hiding.

But of course it's not always YOUR fault!

8) His wife found out about the drug rep / clinic assistant / nurse.

9) His new Porsche kennah drowned in the flash flood.

10) He is just born that way with a buay song facies... Dun be so sensitive la!

When the Fat Lady Sings

2011-05-29T20:00:00.003+08:00

Recently (ex) MM and (ex) SM stepped down. This triggered me into thinking about retirement. Many patients I have seen do not seem to understand that retirement needs to be planned and we need to learn how to slow down and relac lah.

Doc: Uncle you got any hobbies?
Ah Pek: Simi Orhbeee???
Doc: no, no uncle, not guiness stout. What you do when you are free?
Ah Pek: Feee? I work work work then go home jiat bah, koon la.
Doc: Er, what do you like to do when you are not working huh? Things you like.
Ah Pek: Don't haff.
Doc: You listen to music?
Ah Pek: No
Doc: Watch TV
Ah Pek: No, I work so hard everyday to support children, family. Where got time?

I used to think that these Ah Peks were just having me on. I imagined that they were having lots of fun in Desker Road on weekends distributing their CPF payouts. But having spoken to many over the course of years (plus they never asked me for viagra), I realised that the generations born prior to 1960s had it ingrained in them that the only route to success was hard work. They sloughed their life away for their family and did nothing for themselves.

The problem being when they retire, they suddenly find themselves with no work to do, no hobbies and having absolutely no idea how to pass the day. The children are busy with work and their spouses may find them to be a nuisance at home since they are not used to having them around. They find themselves irrelevant and becoming a relic more than anything else. The loss of role can lead to much stress and many psychological woes.

So what should Dr Og do when he retires from blogging (medicine being only a delusion of mine)? I was thinking of politics but gave up the thought as I don't fancy sweating in a blue shirt shouting to a crowd of 30,000 in a stadium. And honestly, you will never see me in a red shirt coz the only time I'll wear one, if I ever do, is during Chinese New Year.

Indeed sibei cham if you cannot find something sane to do!

Next up, Dr Og's (patented) Preparation for Retirement Programme ... Akan Datang

Tags: Retirement, Medicine, Singapore

Singapore M.D.: A Lifetime to Master

2011-05-28T13:30:00.002+08:00

Singapore M.D.: A Lifetime to Master

Residency, Ageism and Me (Yes it's always about me)

2011-05-26T14:10:00.003+08:00

So the first batch of Duke medical students will be graduating this weekend. Congrats wor.

Totally unrelated, I was ignored when I asked for free tickets (offered on Twitter) to Zouk this Saturday. Dr Og just asked for fun la (my principle, anything free just ki chew first) and really given my age, lack of vitality and that I will be cheonging at Shanghai Dolly ( sorry I cheena one) on Friday, it is unlikely I will be able to survive Zouk on a Sat night.

While I did suffer some narcissistic injury when the fellow twitter did not offer me the free tix ( and worse ar never follow me on twitter), I also knew that my time in Zouk is (long) over. This has nothing to do with ageism. Do you see ah peks running hundred metre sprint?

Its not just the young ones who get to enjoy everything! There are also other stuff whereby being older works in your favour. The older folks have seats choped for them in MRTs and buses, can scold you if you take their seats and Stomp you until you apologize! They can also get senior citizen prices for movie tix. No wonder all the ah peks gather at Yangtze.

What Dr Og is saying is that whatever your age is there is a right place for you... I used to cheong Zouk but now I reminisce and spent Saturday resting. One day it will be my turn to be hanging around Yangtze getting cheap tix to 肉脯团19 but until then I stick to bit torrent.

So what do you do when you have people who are older than Consultants (hopefully not Senior Cons) graduate and needing to do housemanship meant for young Drs? They invented the Residency.

Ok, not exactly invent coz this one is basically copy cat the US of A. As these graduates are older, they cannot be put through the same vigorous training that Drs since the time of modern medical training started in Singapore have been put through. They will die! Like if I go Zouk on Saturday. They need to rest. So, less patients for them in clinics and even if they do night calls they cannot see more patients than the no. of fingers they can count on one hand. (Hopefully dun get one so old cannot even count fingers la).

This is all very good coz they can now continue to study very hard for their postgrad, publish sibei cheem and solid papers in renowned journals (as depicted in the newspaper article) and do all the things that Dr Og and the doctors of his time were not able to do coz we sloughing away seeing patients. I was told I may soon need to vacate my clinic slot to make way for the residents. I will also need to supervise them even though I am not appointed as a faculty member and will not be getting any head count for the work. Plus I will need to see the cases which traditionally can be managed by junior Drs since now we must protect their workload. The patients will have to pay to see a consultant even if they do not need that level of care.

When the residents become specialist themselves they will discover that they never received an essential training which we oldies have mastered to survive public healthcare, the art of seeing many many patients at one setting...But it's really all ok, since they who have invented the residency have a ready backup in the form of FTs where the supply of Drs is seemingly endless.

Tags: Residency, Medicine, Singapore

Lan Fang Republic, Malacca and Their Relevance to Singapore

2011-05-24T23:13:00.005+08:00

Alert: Contains seriously heavy reading and historical stuff! Do not read on if you only use one side of your brain!!!

I was surprised when Lan Fang Republic was mentioned by MG Ki Chew. Dr Og is politically apathetic but I was one of the top history student for my year and I would have become a historian (really!) if I din become a ~~dog~~ doc.

Lan Fang Republic - Huh?
And honestly, what the *#@# is Lan Fang? I have not in my most comprehensive (means chow mug la) study of Southeast Asian history ever come across this name. There can only be two reasons:
1) The historians are so f%$% up they forgot to mention Lan Fang (except in some minor articles)... OR
2) LF Republic was so insignificant no one cared.

I leave you to your own conclusion and unless you have an IQ of 10, the conclusion would be 2) anyway. The only reason why LF Republic is recieving any attention at all is because our MG decided to Ki Chew (literally).

The Malacca Sultanate
Now, let us look at Malacca. (Of course not Malacca of today lah, bodoh!) The Malacca Sultanate was founded no later than 1400 by a Malay prince, Parameswara and was invaded by the Portuguese in 1511 (lasted at least a good five years more than LF Republic!) In its time, the Malacca Sultanate achieved the following:
1) Conversion to Islam in 1409. To date, Islam remains the main religon of the Malay Peninsula.
2) Prevented Thai influence in the Malay Peninsula by successfully repelling their attacks.
3) Encouraged bilateral trade and inter-racial marriages with Chinese when the Sultan married a Ming princess. This was the beginning of the Peranakan culture (or not you where got Little Nonya!!).

The Fall of the Malacca Sultanate
Some may say that the fall of the Malacca Sultanate was inevitable as the Portuguese were too much of a force to deal with. But seriously, our red hair (and hence ang moh) dudes have travelled half the world in ships (not even economy class can??!!!). Some internal factors hastened Malacca's demise!

1) Weak ruling government
The golden age of Malacca, with its wealth and prestige, very much depended on one leader Tun Perak who is the Prime Minister equivalent. After his death however, there was no successor capable of running the state. The Sultan, Mahmud, paid no heed to the administration of the government. He allowed his officers to act as they pleased and this encouraged much bribery and corruption among them.

2) Dependence on Foreigners
Many of the foreign merchants were not loyal to the government of Malacca and some jumped ship (again literally!) and backed the Portuguese during the attack on Malacca. A Chinese merchant, for instance, provided on loan, 5 huge barges to the Portuguese while a Tamil merchant supplied information on Malacca’s defense system. Lagi worse, the Sultanate hired Javanese mercenary soldiers who were not willing to die for a country which wasn’t their own and they chow liao liao when Malacca came under siege.

In short: Weak government and foreign talents were in part to blame for the fall of Malacca.

I think as Singaporeans, there is a need to understand the lessons learned from Malacca Sultanate. Who will Stand Up For Singapore (fave national day song!). External and alien funds can flow out as easily as they flow in. When crisis strikes, only the loyal locals will stay and fight. Time and again this has been shown in history.

And what is the relevance of LF Republic? Beats me....

Tags: Lan Fang Republic, History, Singapore

You really want to be a doctor???

2011-05-23T19:50:00.007+08:00

I hate to say this, but I am getting more senior aka lao liao :( And throughout the years of my practice I have been called upon by some relatives, friends, aunties or uncles to advise their relatives, friends, sons, daughters, nieces and nephews who aspire to be a doctor.

So I am writing this such that next time anyone ask me for an opinion, I will Ctrl C and Ctrl V this. Before I become demented...

You think being a doc is cool like in House MD, can any old how scold patients or like in Grey's Anatomy all pretty girl and handsome docs sleep here sleep there? Better wake up your ideas!

Ok, lets be objective and list down the pros and cons.

Pros

Job stability. And I am saying rock stable! How many drs have gotten sacked from a public hospital? This is like what durian sellers say "Bao Jiat!" Only that in our case, it is real.
Not Bad Pay. Mah hiam buay pai. You can well afford a 2 litre car, place your little one in a Montessori and bring your family for a holiday once a year.
Job stability. I still see those koyak Drs walking around after donkey years! You can't lose your job!
No such thing as retrenchment :)
Good leave entitlement. Lots of leave, 24 days or more of annual leave, additional conference leave, blah blah.
You get to be called Dr. And can hao lian.

Cons

School Fees. Would have set you back by ??100,000k before you even start practising and that does not include your bond!
Pay Not Bad? Ai hiam kennah sai! Trust me, you will be frustrated as your Sec, JC classmates out earns you. As a successful Dr, you will be earning what your friend the successful banker pays for income tax, unless of course you are into the business of overcharging royalties of some banana republic. But heh! that banker dude was an asshole from your class who could not string two english sentences together. Can't take that? Well, he is getting all the girls too! Be consoled, the bankers will always tell you that you have Job stability (see Pros 1.... and Pros 3 also lah).
Long hours. Longest I have clocked was 36hrs, without food and just some sip of water. I have been told that things have since gotten better for junior Drs. But the work still has to be done right? Who does it? Yes, me! And you the junior Dr when you become senior. Doh!
No time to take leave. Not uncommon to see Senior Drs burn their leave coz there is just no time to take. Even if you do claim or your leave, you will die clearing your work before and after.
Transport claim still at 60cents/km.
Most likely, you will be unhappy. Ever seen a happy Dr? If you do, you better double check you bill
You think you can hao lian??? You will hate being addressed as a Dr. Insurance agents, sales people, real estate agents will assume you are very rich and you will not ever get any special discounts! When someone shouts for "Dr Dr", its to get you to do work or to attend to some emergencies...

In short, don't be a doctor unless you are into the business of healing or helping people and you are overwhelmed with altruism and self sacrifice, or you are so narcissitic that you are deluded into thinking the above.

Just my take, don't flame but you can add to the pros and cons if you like!

Tags: Education, Medicine, Singapore

Jiak Por! (吃补)

2011-05-17T15:04:00.046+08:00

Traditional health supplements are becoming a boom market given that it is becoming quite a fad in the west.

Locally, you can see all the Chinese medicinal hall mushrooming in general hospitals and you can even find one in our local mental institution!

Jiak por is on everyone's mind and despite the lack of evidence in these quasi medicinal products, they remain extremenly popular. So much so that I've heard of medical professionals spending tens of thousands of dollars buying TCMs on trips to China!! Whether they kennah cheated only they know lah!

What is really disconcerting is that as a doctor, we often get asked about traditional medicines as part of our consults with patients, though honestly I know as much about TCM or Tongkat Ali as my mother who has a Pri 6 education. But you see, patients expect their Drs to know everything...

If a Patient ask: Lokun, can tell me this ginseng good or not ar??? Jiak liao can por naw, make me smarter??

The Junior Dr will reply: I don't know. Do I look like a Chinese Sinseh???

The Senior Dr will reply: There is no good evidence when it comes to traditional medicines but if you have tried it and find it useful, its ok to continue taking.

The Private Dr will reply: Aiyah this brand no good la! You buy from me this special ginseng essence from Chang Bai Shang! See got my face on the box somemore!

All the Drs are thinking: You want smarter, get a brain transplant...

Lately, I had a patient's family member asked me whether eating placenta is good for the patient's condition. He further instructed me to read up about it when I told him that I have no clue about placentas since I last did an Obgyn posting many years ago. So being ever the conscientious doctor that I am, I googled the subject "eat placenta" and found a wiki on Placentophagy. The pictures made me lose my appetite immediately... much less Jiak Por.....

Tags: Fun, Alternative Medicine, Homeopathy

A Dog's Life

2010-06-08T21:36:00.000+08:00

Retired Header

Bandwidth No Enuff & The Many Ills of the Social Media.

2009-09-26T22:03:00.012+08:00

Ok, so things have changed since Dr BL Og last blogged. I mean honestly, who reads blogs these days? The world has since moved on to facebook, twitter, video blogging, vodcast blah blah blah. Even Blogspot is no longer the same... Now there is this thing called followers on the right side of my blog and I don't know how to get rid of it.... Machiam kennah trailed and makes me paranoid. Lucky only four nia... hahaha

1 thing I really hate most is video blogging, vlogging, watever they call it. These dudes need real flogging if you ask me. Most of these vloggers are butt ugly. Not that Dr BL Og is a looker or what, but I dun subject you guys to having go thru the torture of having to see me just to hear what I say. Yes, podcast will suffice. Or at least use a surgical mask.

The other terrible terrible thing about vodcast/vlogging is that it is bandwidth intensive. Yes, its like a black hole sucking in all the available bandwidth there is leaving none for poor guys like us who like to actually write. Plus, bandwidth is the ultimate bad word in the public hospitals. In fact, the IT committees of hospitals take the stand that "No matter what, Bandwidth will never be enough." And as with all good public servants will do in difficult situations, they opted to do nothing.

And then there is twitter. I mean seriously la, how to fit so much angst and so much emo (see Dr BL Og still connected ok, know how to use emo haha) into 140 words??!!! How to? For someone as long winded and loh soh as me.

BTW, a recent research showed that the new social media is causing our youths not to sleep and consequently getting insomnia. Even TV also cannot fight. So if you cannot sleep, log off, switch off your iMac and hide your iPad under your bed lah! Don't ask me for sleeping pills ok!!!

We are back

2009-07-30T22:51:00.001+08:00

Testing Testing

Franchise, Anyone?

2007-07-01T13:12:00.002+08:00

My fave ice cream parlor currently is Awfully Chocolate and recently I learnt from their website that they had expanded their franchise to Shanghai and Jarkata somemore!

$$

I remembered reading somewhere that the dudes who run Awfully Chocolate are lawyers by training!

And what are we doctors doing????? Surely we can start our own desert parlor???

Some suggestions:

1) Malignant Mango (this one got alliteration wor!)
2) Necrotic Banana
3) And if we really really want to do cocoa as well, how about:
COLONIC CHOCOLATE??

Franchise anyone??

2007-06-14T16:38:00.002+08:00

One and a half year neber blog, password still work sia!

Thunderstorm

2005-11-12T09:23:00.001+08:00

Kah Leong was awakened by the sounds of thunder. He half-opened his groggy eyes and could see flashes of light from the window slit. The usual monsoon thunderstorm..... Expectedly, he heard footsteps scuffling. Ma always came into his room to close the windows when it rained.

Kah Leong called out, "Ma...?"

"Wake up bro, stop dreaming!" Someone shook him in the darkness.

Kah Leong realised he was not at home. He was not in his pajamas. He was in his long four and his boots were still on. He was at the battlefield.

-----------------------

Kah Leong hated his life when he was a full time national serviceman. What was the point? He liked to give the excuse that he was peace loving. The rifle was too heavy for him. War was never a possibility.

Overnight, things changed. The home that he knew was reduced to rubbles in a matter of minutes. He was spared as he was working in the business district. Perharps the enemy had only bombarded residential areas to instill fear. Perharps they had wanted to preserve the business infrastructure.

Kah Leong's family was not so fortunate. After the bombardment, he went to what was left of his terrace house. He searched frantically for his loved ones. There were bits and pieces of human flesh everywhere. He saw a detached arm and recognised it to be his sister's. After hesistating for a minute, he found a clothe and wrapped the arm in it. He could find noting else.

Kah Leong's legs were weak and he could no longer stand. He kneeled down crying, hugging his sister's remains. Where was Ma? Could she had gone out and was seeking refuge somewhere? But Ma never went out much...... How could this have happened? War was so far away......

The millitary police found him a few days later still ramaging through the ruins. They brought him back to his reservist unit.

Kah Leong was a peace loving man. Now he is filled with anger and hatred. Now he wanted to carry arms. To fight. To seek revenge. To take back the land which belonged to him and his people.

------------------------

Kah Leong wiped away his tears and picked up his M16. Somehow, he could no longer feel the weight of his rifle. He followed his platoonmates out of the tentage. They were under enemy artillery bombardment.

It was not a thunderstorm.

Why They So Like Dat?

2005-11-09T10:56:00.001+08:00

Last week got many holidays, so Dr Og managed to steal some time off and go out with friends.

We were at a HiFi exhibition when my friend made unsubstantiated statement no. 1:

"They say this HiFi set sibei solid."

When I probed further about who they were, he could not tell me and this lead to unsubstantiated statement no. 2:

"I read about it from somewhere"

Of course anal retentive me cannot let it just go down like that so I asked where was this somewhere? This did not lead to anymore statements. My friend got angry with me and left.

How often it is that we hear people telling us that "they tell us this treatment good" or "read somewhere that this was useful". How often it is that people get angry when we tell them not to trust they.

The big question is really how can we become they and spread some correct messages for once.

Who are this people making irresponsible, unsubstantiated and evidenceless remarks?

And why they so like dat?

小明的日记簿 Episode 3:

2005-11-04T21:00:00.001+08:00

小明的日记簿 is an epic novel which depicts the ridiculous life of a medical student. The characters of this epic novel are fictional. Any similarities with person(s) dead or alive is purely due to your own imagination

Foreword:
In the last episode of 小明的日记簿, Jassie commented:
"HAHAHA kinda reminds me of harry potter though... tom riddle's diary... "
Just wanna say that my story is on a hairy doctor..... not harry potter!
And there ain't no magic in medicine........

Mao Mao was hairy even as a little boy. He especially hated it when those ugly aunties with their curly hair and acne cratered face came over and pinch him on the cheeks saying "wah boy boy so much hair, soooo cute!" He was worried that they would infect him with the acne germs. Being hairy was bad enough, protect his complexion he must.

Mao Mao would later learn in microbiology classes that the germs he was so afraid of was Propionibacterium acnes, a skin bacteria. For now, Mao Mao was just a freshman not really enjoying his orientation.

He had no idea what the hell they were doing. Apparently it was a float like those in Chingay. As with the tradition of the medical faculty, the theme of the float was some Disney cartoon.

"Wah lau, sibei embarrassing...." Mao Mao thought. The other faculties were making cool stuff like dragon with coke cans or some post modern structures. "Disney cartoon..... sigh....."

At least tonight was the last night of orientation. But tonight they can't go home. The float had to be perfect! They were making the final touches for the judging tomorrow morning. Just as Mao Mao was relaxing one corner, Meng Kee appeared all excited. "Heh we've got allocated a good job tonight!"

Before Mao Mao could protest they were driven by a year two senior in his BMW 5 series to the carpark where the float presentation would take place the next day. A pretty fresh(wo)man in supermini mini skirt was in the front seat. The castle part of the float had already been transported to the carpark.

"Ok dudes get off here, you guys jagar the castle. be careful the law people come and vandalise!" The senior than drove off with the pretty fresh(wo)man and the mini skirt become more and more mini as they disappeared into the night.

"Wah lau, drive us here also need to have female escort meh?" Mao Mao complained. Plus he had heard from his friend in law fac that they were going to boycott the entire float thingie since they lost every year anyway. They were probably getting drank in someone's hostel room tonight. "Jagar simi? Think I security guard......"

Meng Kee took out a green groundsheet from his bag and laid it on the floor. "Good mah, volunteer and get in the good books of the seniors! Somemore here no need to do anything, can sleep!" He proceeded to lie down to snooze.

Before Mao Mao even sat down on the ground sheet, Meng Kee was already snoring away. Mao Mao felt itchy all over. Being hairy, he trapped plenty of heat and those damned insects had a hard time flying out of the hairy maze in his legs once they flew in.

Mao Mao was looking for some cream in his bag when he saw that diary again. He had forgotten all about it after dumping it in his bag that day.

He had the whole night ahead of him, this could prove interesting......

He flipped to page one, "这是小明的日记簿。生人勿进!”

Then he turned the page,

" 七月十五，晴天。

为了她，我来到了这个鬼地方。
起初我以为我会放得下。

也许我会想你，
也许我会忘记，
也许已没有也许。

至少进入了医学院，我天天都能看得到她！今天上解剖学讲座，她就坐在我下面！噢！我小明发誓，一定要追到她........"

"Wah biang!" Mao Mao thought. "This senior is like some perverted stalker with a penchant for cheesy chinese songs!!"

Before he could read on, he heard a car approaching fast. The car came to a screeching halt right in front of them. The headlights were blaring into his eyes but Mao Mao could make out the silhouette of a girl came out of the car.

"Hi, I'm Julie. I brought you guys supper."

Julie is good. Julie is Mao Mao's favourite brand of biscuits.

龍門客棧 Kopi Tiam

2005-11-02T10:26:00.001+08:00

When I woke up yesterday morning, I had this feeling that it was going to be a perfect day. Actually I didn't exactly wake up, I was lying in my bed having been up the whole night. My newborn baby gave me a hard time the night before. (Yes! I am the married Dr Og! Hence also the poorer one.....)Since my mother was finally awake, we ~~dumped~~ handed the little one over to her and headed for my favourite kopi tiam for my regular cup of kopi peng.

It was only 7am and most lazy Singaporeans were still sound asleep on this Deepavali morning. The kopi tiam was empty. We took the most convenient seats right in front of the mee pok store. It was the only store opened other than the drink store. Needless to say, we ordered mee pok.

We were carrying on with our mundane (and hence perfect) routine when a man appeared. He was a 50s/Ch/M, tanned and in polo-tees and shorts. Without saying a word, he sat down on our table, next to me, and shouted for a bowl of mee kia tah. I looked around, the rest of the coffeeshop was empty. And he must sit at our table. Asshole!

Before our mee pok was ready, an aunty 40s/Ch/F, came into the coffeeshop with presumably her son, a 15/Ch/M. The aunty in pajamas spoke in English and asked her son to sit at the table in front of the mee pok store while she go order drinks. The duo subsequently sat down, without asking, next to the tanned man who was next to me and my wife.

The table was getting crowded and the atmosphere getting tensed. No one was talking. My wife nudged me to indicate that she wanted to move to another table. I nudged her back. No one was going to spoil my perfect morning! I was staying PUT.

Then the man took out a box from him shorts. He slammed it on the table. It was a packet of cigarettes with a picture of a mouth with rotten teeth uncannily similar to his. I wondered if he was the model for the picture, hmmmm..... He picked up the packet of cigarettes, tossed it slightly and a stick stuck out of the box, beckoning. In one swift motion, he picked the cigarette out of the box with his mouth and lighted it with one of those green coloured 50 cents lighter.

The man has drawn first blood.

I stared at the man with contempt.

He turned away to exhale but the fan blew the smoke back towards the table into my face.

I fanned the smoke away in disgust.

The aunty stared at the man as well and the boy was on cue and let out a few coughs in protest.

The man stared back at me. Our eyes met. (Again this one not my patient. hahaha)

My wife was getting worried. Staring incidents do become fatal. After a while of eye sparing (and staring). The man put out his cigarette. My staring worked!(but my wife insisted later it was because the cigarette finished liao.... Women!) The man gobbled down his mee kia and kopi. He left but not before staring at me one last time. This time I pretended to look away because I realized he was much bigger size than me when he stood up. (Not say I scared lah, but my wife with me can?)

After he left, the mother and child became quite chatty. The mother was reminding his son not to take any cold drinks as he was coughing just now. Then she was teaching her son how to eat properly. "Must chew your food!" "Stop playing with your food." And how he must go home and study after breakfast as 'O' Levels was round the corner.

And in the ultimate show of motherly love, she took out a dental floss and passed it to her son. The boy looked embarrassed and let out a little whine. "What? you want me to do it for you isit?" The mother threatened and started twisting her own dental floss around her two index fingers.

Lo and behold, mother and child were showing off their perfect dentition in front of us. The incisors, the premolars, the molars and even the wisdom too.... eh actually both also din have wisdom teeth...... I don't know what the dentist say to their patients, but whatever they're saying is very effective! (Or dental fees these days are really so ex?)

Seriously, I lost my appetite. Luckily, I already finished my bowl of mee pok.

So much for my perfect morning......

--------------------------------------

My point? Singaporeans are basically a rude bunch. Ok, we are not as bad as some other Asian countries..... but we are nowhere near being polite and gracious. Which brings me to my real point. The service industry sucks becoz the people providing the lousy services are also the same rude customers recieving it. It amuses me to see our media and press trying so hard to segregate the two.

Some really heavy stuff.....

2005-10-31T22:13:00.003+08:00

Ever so often as a kiasu student, we buy the thickest and most comprehensive book out there. After paying hundreds of dollars we realize, !Shit! cannot finish studying, so we settle for the smaller "Mama" versions. And then you find out in horror you can't remember EVERYTHING in the "Mamas" and its too heavy to read in the toilet.

Finally, you end up buying those little handbooks....the "Babies" hoping that there is enough information in it to help you pass. (If you haven't figured it out, the big ones are called "Papas". NO! NOT Daddies! That sounds really kinky!)

Here are some of those ~~Daddies~~ "Papas" that I can never (ever) finish reading:

Harrison's Principles of Internal MedicineDimensions: 11.1 x 8.8 x 3.1 inches
Weight: 8.9 pounds
2629 pages!!! I never even bought this book coz it was too big to carry home in a bus! (Poor medical student was I.....)

Bailey & Love's Short Practice of SurgeryDimensions: 11.0 x 9.0 x 2.8 inches
Weight: 10.2 pounds
1348 pages!!!! (and its a short practice???.... DOH!)

Robbins Pathologic Basis of DiseaseDimensions: 11.3 x 8.7 x 2.4 inches
Weight: 7.5 pounds
1552 pages of really boring stuff that will cure any insomniacs! (Queen take note!)

Ridley's Believe It or Not Trivia MCQ,
Which of the following is true?

1) One of these books was used as a murder weapon in a homicide. (Yes they are that heavy!)

2) A medical student once had to rip off a page from one of these textbooks because he tua lao sai and there were no toilet paper in the cubicle. (high quality paper ok!)

3) A student used one of these books as a pillow the night before exams and miraculously remembered every single word from the book the next day. (He still failed as he slept on Robbins but was going for his Surgical paper!)

4) If you drop all 3 books from the tower of Pisa at the same time, they will just land on your feet and fracture your toes. (Not asking you to throw killer litter lah, bodoh!)

5) Some medical students have actually read all 3 books cover to cover!

Once in a while, your seniors will be telling you that you must get the thickest and most powderful book in the universe. Don't believe them. They are evil salesman trying to sell you their unwanted textbooks.

I've also been told that "you are only as good a doctor as the book you read." I totally agree...... just that what is the likelihood that you are going to read a 2000-page textbk that is so heavy it causes muscle cramps worse than rifle-over-head???!!!

No Pride, Just Prejudice

2005-10-30T16:30:00.000+08:00

I don’t know if you have this experience but when you tell people that you are a doctor, unconsciously their eyes become wide open. In different scenarios this can mean different things.

1) During a date with a pretty girl:
Don’t ask me how you landed yourself in a hot date without telling her you are a doctor in the first place. Assuming that you went for blind date courtesy of SDU and you were fortunate enough not to be on call, your date was probably thinking, “Wah loctor! Good catch wor!”

2) During a meet-the-parents session:
Again assuming that you had a good posting and had time to actually go pak tor (in Kent Ridge Park), things went your way (or actually her way) and you got to meet her parents. You tell your mother-in-law to be that you are a doctor and she must be thinking, “Way to go ah girl! You made it liao!” At least you would be treated better than Gaylord M. Focker in my favourite movie, Meet the Parents.

3) During your wedding dinner:
Your head of department was manic and granted you marriage leave. You had no other valid reasons to siam and there you were in your tuxedo Her relatives find out that you are a doctor and they would be cursing under their breaths, “I know I give less ang bao!”

4) When you see a financial planner:
Your mother-in-law’s cousin’s son happened to have just graduated as a financial planner. You had no choice but to entertain him or face terrible backlash. Amidst all the financial jargons he was dishing out to confuse you, you swore you saw those dollar signs flashing in his eyes when he found out you are a doctor. “Commission lai liao!”

5) You went to the wet market to buy fish (DHA good for baby mah) because your wife was too gravid to do so:
You told the fishmonger casually you were a doctor and he recommended some special kelong fish for you at a very special price. Just that there are no kelongs in Singapore anymore and you found out later the price was indeed quite special.

Actually doctors are just like everyone else except that we work long hours, can probably hold our bladder longer (but we do get renal calculi), can remain calm and composed in the face of verbal abuse (sometimes by patients, mostly by our professors) and we call all this professionalism.

Orchid

2005-10-28T13:28:00.001+08:00

Mr Tan sat on his sofa. His left hand gently stroking the worn-out fabric. He looked to his right, to the empty seat beside him. He tried to smile. Just three weeks ago, his wife was sitting there, watching their favourite Teochew Opera on television. He remembered reminiscing with his wife about how they watched the same story when they were dating. During those days, he would hold her hand during the opera. Her small white handkerchief with tiny flowers sequinned at one corner covered their hands. They did not want any relatives to see this public display of affection, which at their time, was still frowned upon.

Tears started to well up inside his eyes and slowly rolled down the side of his wrinkled face. He remembered his wife smiling at him when he tried to sing some of the lines from the opera. He remembered choking and coughing during one of the higher notes, and his wife had to alternate between patting and stroking his back. He thought he could still feel his wife’s hand between his shoulder blades.

Mr Tan looked away from the empty seat. Through his eyes, which were blurred with tears, Mr Tan saw his wife everywhere. He saw her standing at the stove, scooping out a bowl of hot porridge for him. He used to love porridge with sweet potato. Even though this was a simple dish, he loved it. Especially the way she prepared it. He saw her sitting beside the window, in her favourite chair, patching up some holes in his trousers. Her glasses that she only wore during her sewing work were still there on top of the cabinet. He still cleaned the glasses for her each day since three weeks ago. He saw her standing outside the flat, watering the potted plants. He saw her proudly telling him how the orchids had bloomed.

Mr Tan felt lost. Ever since the day he saw her leaving the home on a trolley accompanied by paramedics, he felt lost. As he sat in the ambulance looking at the wife gasping, her face covered by a oxygen mask, he felt lost. As he saw doctors and nurses pulling the curtain around the wife’s bed, he felt lost.

Sitting on the sofa, Mr Tan thought he heard the wife call his name. The seat beside him was still empty. He suddenly felt a sense of calmness and serenity. Drying the tears from his face with a shirtsleeve, he closed his eyes and laid his head back onto the sofa. He would see her soon.

This is dedicated to you. You know who you are.

You can't win......

2005-10-28T11:01:00.001+08:00

One serious problem I have is that this site is undisclaimerable. You guys ever pay attention to my disclaimers or not???

Being the suspicious and paranoid person that I am, Dr Og goes around peeking at sites that link me. Most of sites gave really positive reviews so much so it brings tears to my eyes (no lah, just exaggerating as usual). But there are inaccuracies that can kill man!

Someone commented that I am "from SGH" and that my accounts are "authentic". Then got someone link me as "Dr ONG" (its Dr Og can?). Worse of all, a medical student called me "infamous".

Can you imagine? A witch hunt for Dr Ong from SGH infamous for blogging authentic accounts of patients. Wah die man! Sorry ah, all the Dr Ongs out there.

To further prove the point that disclaimers fall to blind eyes, people have been sending me comments to correct grammar, spellings and stuff. I know my england really cannot make it. But then again, I'm not an English teacher. Cut me some slack can or not?

Last thing. Of course we are (very)happy and most flattered that people read our posts. But the boundaries are now clear. So we chose to stay within the boundaries. Why? Becoz people don't read disclaimers and will assume that the posts are authentic and then go after the ass of some innocent Dr Ong.

So boh bian loh. No more posts related to work. This site has contracted a terminal illness. Let it die peacefully. Can?

小明的日记簿 Episode 2:

2005-10-27T17:54:00.001+08:00

小明的日记簿 is an epic novel which depicts the ridiculous life of a medical student. The characters of this epic novel are fictional. Any similarities with person(s) dead or alive is purely due to your own imagination.

Mao Mao as he is affectionately known by his family was borned hairy. His mother suspected that all his body hair probably made up a substantial amount of his birth weight, a hefty 3.7kg, a big baby for those times. A strange phenomenon was to render Mao Mao hairless as he grew. He will later learn in medical school that the condition is called androgenetic alopecia or simply male pattern balding to the lay person.

At this point of time, Mao Mao was a young 19 year old and this dreaded condition had yet to afflict him. His crowning glory was still very much intact and gave him much needed confidence to chase girls. The same cannot be said of his new found friend from medicine.

Actually Mao Mao had not really decided if he considered Meng Kee his friend. As Meng Kee was just one name down the roster, Mao Mao ended up in the same group as him for almost everything.

Meng Kee was the typical on the wrong ball kind of person. At least as far as Mao Mao was concerned.

"Isn't it great?!!! Mao! We are in medicine! We are going to be doctors! I'm so excited"

On the contrary, Mao Mao had wished he did not go for the interview. After big mouth Aunty Lily told the whole clan he was accepted, his lao pek had brought him before the ancestral altar and made him swear he would go through the 5 year course. He suspected his father had connections with secret society, now he confirmed he is right.

"So you read any books yet? I finish reading Ganung liao. Damn cheem!" Meng Kee went on. Mao Mao had no idea what Ganung was.

"And you got your locker liao?" The good thing about Meng Kee was that he did looked out for Mao Mao.

"But the orientation also not over yet....." Mao Mao replied.

"You don't know lah, all the lockers near our lecture hall all taken liao, better go and get one quick!"

Indeed, Mao Mao went to the estate office and was allocated a locker far far away. He searched high and low before finally finding his locker at one far corner in the Science faculty. The locker was terribly rusted and there was a lock.

"Basket! Which turtle senior never remove his lock." He was already frustrated from getting such a lousy location. He went back to the estate office and a young punk was sent to bust the lock.

Mao Mao removed the busted lock and opened the locker. The interior was moist and algae was growing.

"Wah lau this type of locker, kennah sai." He was not going to use it.

Something else caught his eyes. There was a book inside. He took it out and flipped to the first page:

“这是小明的日记簿。生人勿进！”

Over the Rainbow

2005-10-27T08:46:00.001+08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

So who's the rainbow in your life?
Do you have one?

===================
I saw her again today.
I thought she glanced at me and smile.
I smiled back.
I hope she saw.

The Boogie Man

2005-10-27T00:52:00.001+08:00

Have you ever dreamt that,
you were chased
by a boogie man.

And you were running,
and running
and running

Down the staircase
which seemed
to be never-
ending

But if you had
stopped to take
a peek,
you would see

the same eyes,
the same ears,
the same nose,
the same mouth,

The same face.
The boogie man was you.

Rained!

2005-10-26T19:57:00.001+08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was travelling on the ECP. Wah lau, it was raining like mad.

Visibility was almost zero. First time I see so many cars flash their hazard lights.

On Benjamin Sheares Bridge I coudn't even see our skyscapers. OMG! Its like the end of the world!

Ok lah, its just silly monsoon rain. DOH!

小明的日记簿 Episode 1:

2005-10-25T13:08:00.001+08:00

小明的日记簿 is an epic novel which will depict the life of a medical student. The characters of this epic novel are fictional. Any similarities with person(s) dead or alive is purely due to your own imagination.

Mao Mao as he was affectionately known by his family because he was hairy, successfully made it to medical school. He was the pride and joy of not only his family but his entire clan. His clan had never produced any doctors of any kind and if you traced his family history far enough, they originated from apes. Ok ok, no need that far...... they originated from southern China and were farmers.

Mao Mao's father was a hawker. He sold vegetables at the wet market just downstairs. Mao Mao used to follow his father around. At the age of 3, he could strike a decent bargain with those curly haired - tatooed eyebrow - aunties that frequented his father's store. He was formidable. A genius in the realms of selling veges.

Strangely, Mao Mao did well in his studies. While running around the market playing catching with his mates, he scored 280 for his PSLE. While kicking football with his kahkis in their favourite open field everyday, he scored 9 distinctions in 'O' levels. He decided to "take it easy, 漫漫来" for 'A' levels. After all, he was poised to take over his father's business which had by then expanded to a mini mart.

"No point waste time score so high marks, relac jack!" He thought. He scored nevertheless.

And as the cliché would have it, Mao Mao went along with his childhood friend Ah Seng for the medicine interview to support him. You know, like how those finalist in beauty pageants will also say they were only there with their friends and got lucky. And as the author of this story will have it, Mao Mao got into medicine and his friend Ah Seng got a one way ticket to Dentistry. The fact that Ah Seng will become the millionaire owner of a chain of dental clinic in the future provides the much needed dramatic irony any story will need.

Getting back to Mao Mao, his 40 year old left-on-the-shelve paternal aunty, Aunty Lily who was staying with him was really quite kaypoh. She opened the letter from the university to Mao Mao which stated:

"Dear Mr Tan Long Mao,

You have been accepted to the faculty of medicine. Please attend the matriculation on 15th July 19.........."

Aunty Lily was breathless!

"Our Mao Mao got into medicine! Our Mao Mao a doctor!!!"

Within the hour, Mao Mao became the designated doctor for the entire clan. There was no escape.

Next episode, find out how Mao Mao finds 小明的日记簿！

Hi World!

2005-10-25T11:09:00.001+08:00

Hi world! This is Dr BL Og, I am a voodoo shaman on the island of Monkey Republic. This is my online diary!

Here I will reveal my hobbies and interests outside my work as a shaman (thats taboo, don't ask). Occasionally I will show some funny pictures of my friends in their birthday parties (not birthday suit) taken on my latest camera phone.

Talking about camera phone, I will also blog about the latest gadgets in town. But dunno if got bad reviews they will sue me or not??? Guess I will only talk about the good things then!

I think you all will also be interested in my latest ~~sex~~ love life and how so and so dumped me and how I was two timing so and so. But my girlfriends are my colleagues from work...... and i cannot blog about work...... so sorry, no blogging about my love life either.

Its ok, there are still plenty of stuff to talk about like how I wash my cats or paint my nails. Hell! I got no cats and I don't paint my nails!

But surely you are interested in my PSLE score, no?

The brand of toilet paper I use leh?

THE END by Bon Jovi

2005-10-25T11:08:00.002+08:00

So now it's over let the spot light fade
I hear the music slowly fade away
And now i find it hard to say good-bye
So i'll just say good night my friends

If every moment is a memory
A faded photograph of days gone by
Can i take a little piece of you with me
For when i leave this all behind

Come on, come on, come on, darling lay you head down...
Come on, come on, come on, little darling, help me baby,
'cause i can't see the lights...

I'm getting tired so i close my eyes
I need to look at you just one more time
And though it's over, it's never over
Until i see you againThe end (we'll be together)
The end (we'll live forever)
We'll all be together in the end
The end (although it's over)
The end (it's never over )
We'll all be together in the end

Life As Such

2005-10-25T10:54:00.001+08:00

If we play the game, I guess we have got to play by the rules. Since the rules have been explicitly laid out, we can only kow tow and obey.

If you are interested in our hobbies and how many times each of us defecate everyday, continue to read on. Otherwise its adieu!

Heads Still Popping

2005-10-24T10:33:00.002+08:00

Those who have been following my blog before Dr Og's demise would have remembered my head popping counter. There were 2 reasons why when I restarted the blog I did not bring the counter back:

1) The head popping situation seemed to be getting better. I suspected mebbe some of my patients read my blog and stopped sticking their heads in.

2) I had technical difficulties setting up a real counter with a button I can press each time I had a head popper. Wah lau, I everytime got to update the counter by going into my template and change manually.

But, I have decided to restart the head popping counter! Why? The heads just don't stop popping! That's why!

To add to my frustration, certain trends seem to be forming in the clinic as well.

An aunty came to see me accompanied by her granddaughter and grandson. At the end of the consultation:

Aunty: "Lokun ar, wah you got a weighing machine. I take my weight can?"
Doc: "Sure, sure go ahead."
Aunty goes to weighing machine and I write my notes.
Aunty: "Lokun come here, come here. Help me see the weight."
Doc goes help aunty read weighing machine while granddaughter and grandson sat there bochap.
Doc: "Ok aunty your weight 50kg."
Aunty: "Ah boy and ah girl come here. Take your weight, loctor help you see your weight."
All this while, busybody heads keep popping in to see why the doctor take so long.

Yes, our state has done well with health promotion and everyone is weight conscious now. But don't bother to go sell weighing machines. No one buy one, all go doctor have the expert read the scales for them.

PS: To be honest, the head counter proved that head popping activities were not that rampant. It actually helped me to feel less frustrated everytime someone pops their heads into the room asking "My turn to see?"
Wait for your number to be called...... please!

The Sound of Music

2005-10-22T08:35:00.002+08:00

I was reading blinkymummy's blog and came to know that Jouk was reopening. (Incidentally, I love her blog....... her blog, not her.)

The last time I went to Jouk was many years ago (cannot tell you exactly or you guess my age :P). I was a 2nd year medical student and you know in those days 2nd year med student only need go for microB exam so very free (and happy).

I wasn't particularly enthusiatic about Jouk becoz we usually went on a Wednesday evening. Don't ask me why man. It was like some Mumbo Jumbo night and the queue was like bloody long. Wednesday night! After a long day of lectures and playing with scabies in the lab, go queue up to go Jouk! I suspect I went along because the classmate I fancied went. Though that memory has long been repressed in my unconcious mind.

Another reason why I didn't particularly like Jouk was because I came from an era where Canto Pop reigned supreme. Yes C-A-N-T-O! Canto! Canto! During my army daze, we would hang out with the hokkien pengs and visit karaokes. We usually drank beer and hard liquor, not cocktails with fanciful names like long island tea and tequila. When we were sufficiently drunk, we went to Canto (of course!) and shaked (I won't dare say we danced) the night away in those dui-dui-dui techno music. The fun stopped abruptly one night when I puked coffee ground stuff. The medical treatment for that is another story altogether.

But like they say, in Rome do as the Greeks do. So here I was again in another night spot with my fellow medical classmates, queueing up no less. I trust my gastric linings have sufficiently repaired themselves. When we got into Jouk, I was bloody surprised that the music actually had lyrics! Wah lau! Not the dui-dui-dui kind, but some stupid 80s retro. What the heck lah, just order drinks, down it and everything sounds the same. I decided to get the first round (must be want to impress the ger, but really cannot recall leh) and the group decided on something ribena, music very loud cannot hear. Wah lau, simi lai a?

Don't care lah, just go to the bar counter and order. I looked at the drinks menu and found what my classmates wanted. Vodka Ribena, lame. Ordered 2 jugs. They din even give us glasses. Just dump some straws into the jugs. Sibei unhygienic share saliva. Never mind pass them my H. pylori, hahaha.

I happily carried that two jug of Vodka Ribena to my classmates and they started sipping on the straws. After a while, they looked perplexed, like I spiked their drinks. One of them said, "I think there is alcohol in the drinks."

Yah mah! Vodka Ribena.

"No, we wanted Ribena."

That was the last time I went to Jouk!

Spirited Away

2005-10-21T14:56:00.001+08:00

Some years ago I was doing my rounds when I saw this new patient admitted into the ward at bed 24. One of my senior doctors kindly asked me and my registrar to continue with the round and took the medical officer to go and clerk the case.

We were happily proceeding with the round when suddenly, a nurse came to us to ask for help, claiming that the new patient had "collapsed".

“Suay man!” I thought to myself as I briskly walked to that patient. (please see previous entry about why doctors do not always run!)

To cut the long story short, the resuscitation was a success and the patient was sent to the ICU.

A few days passed by…

I was asked to review the patient when she returned to the ward from the ICU.

I proceeded to ask her how she was feeling and she started to describe to me what happened.

She claimed she left her body that morning and was actually hovering on top of us as we were trying to “save her”.

“…must be hallucinations…” I thought to myself as I smiled at her and continued to ask some routine questions.

The patient did not answer me but actually went on to describe what she saw that day.

It felt weird that she was able to remember what we were wearing that day even though technically, she never saw me and my registrar.

What was weirder what that she told me about an envelope behind the bedside locker/cabinet addressed to a certain Mr Tan X X. (NOT XiaXue, please!) Well… there was no way she could have seen it when she came into the ward. From what I understand, she was slightly drowsy and was lying on the bed all this while.

Being the kaypoh me, I decided to go and check if the envelope was still there… slowly, I walked towards that bed she was previously at just a few days ago.

There was nothing there. (Efficient hospital cleaners!)

I walked towards the nursing counter, smiling, thinking about what that old lady said when I overheard a woman asking for an envelope addressed to Mr Tan X X who was discharged a few days ago from bed 24.

Different Strokes

2005-10-21T00:59:00.001+08:00

The ambivalent love-hate relationship with nurses can really drive a doctor crazy. (Sometimes crazy enough to marry a nurse :P) Essentially conflict arises due to a difference in perception between the two profession. Let me illustrate with this example:

A good friend of mine from nursing was complaining to me about her doctor.

"Aiyoh that doctor, resuscitation he neber run, walk over like so cool like tat." She was upset that the doctor appeared boh chap about the whole event and went through the process emotionlessly.

"Can't you guys be more human?"

I told her of my experience:

I was called by a nurse who told me that my patient had collapsed. I walked quickly to the bed. Yes I walked because hospital floor is always slippery from urine, blood and fluids leaking from the drip. Me falling down would hardly make things better for the patient. After all, Dr Og is not Carl Lewis and I would rather spent that few nano seconds I could have gained from running going through in my head what possibly could have gone wrong with the patient. Running also makes me breatheless, (I am NOT CARL LEWIS) and that is not a great way to start a resuscitation.

When I reached the bed, I had at least gathered my thoughts and contained my anxiety. You need a doctor not so much to perform the actual resus but to control all the headless chickens banging into each other like brownian motion (not brown motion).

SN1: "Dr how ar??? How ar?"
SN2: "Dr he just stop breathing!!!! HOW!!!!"
NO: "They never teach me how to insert IV in nursing school! They never teach me how to insert IV in nursing school!"
And they continued banging into each other while trying to dunno do what.

Instruction to SN1: "You bag and mask."
Instruction to SN2: "You get the ETT ready."
Instruction to NO: "You go back to nursing school. And on your way call for more doctors to help me!"
Instruction to all: "Those on my left walk behind me and those on my right walk in front." (So that they stop banging each other.)

My friend after hearing my story was still sceptical. It is already ingrained in her that doctors are unsympathetic and can't care less. Well, I guess its that Mars and Venus thing.....

Love is like the wild rose briar

2005-10-21T00:52:00.001+08:00

Love is like the wild rose briar,
Friendship, like the holly tree

The holly is dark when the rose briar blooms,

But which will bloom most constantly?

- Emily Bronte

Binary Confusion Part II

2005-10-20T10:36:00.001+08:00

"If there is a part I, there will always be a part II"

One night an old man brought his even older mother for admission. I asked him,

Og: Uncle you got her previous medical records or not.
Grumpy Old Man: Yes.
Og: Can I have a look.
Grumpy Old Man: All at home.
Og: Hmmmm.... ok.... maybe you bring tomorrow. It will really help us.
Grumpy Old Man: Isn't it all in the computer???
Og: Er... this is her first admission here, it will help if I have her records from the other hospital.
Grumpy Old Man: Isn't it all connected liao? Read in the papers. Can't you just retrieve it from the computers?

NO! It is not all in the computers!

Dr Og really misses the good old days when we used to WRITE discharge summaries and prescriptions ON PAPER. Don't get me wrong, I embrace technology. Otherwise this site will not exist. But in the good old days we didn't have to endure down time, paper jams and computer records that are suppose to exist but somehow do not.

Lets face it, the first expenditure to be cut in hospitals will be the IT funding in times of economic down turn and Monkey Republic cannot sell enuff bananas. Which is the reason why til this day we are still not using optical mouse. Hell, Dr Og even have to spent some good time servicing the ball of the mouse (when I can be carrying balls somewhere else).

There will be a Part III!

Count Docula

2005-10-19T14:49:00.001+08:00

Spotted this article in Tomorrow. jkaiser donated his blood, all 100cc of it.

This really reminds me of the time when I was a lousy HO (lousy not because I was incompetent but because I felt lousy). It was 3 pm on a Sunday afternoon and I was post call. My last job of the day was to take blood for 6 old man in this particular cubicle . And anyone who has any experience with RPG can tell you that your dexterity is ZERO on a Sunday afternoon when you are post call. So, I was missing all the veins and everyone of them I had to try again. No one shot one kill!

As I went around each bed, the ah peks assumed I don't speak dialect and broke into a conversation in Hokkien,

Ah Pek @ Bed 13: Wei, why you think they always take our blood?
Ah Pek @ Bed 12: Yah loh, everyday also take blood take blood.....
Ah Pek @ Bed 15: Mebbe they use it to do experiments lah, we guinea pigs here!
Ah Pek @ Bed 13: Wah lau....
Ah Pek @ Bed 16: I think they SELL our blood. See take so much each time.
Ah Pek @ Bed 12: Like that take, I not enough blood, sure die!!!

6 old ah peks don't make a Zhu Ge Liang...... Actually, Dr BL Og is a vampire who goes around feeding on old Ah Peks' blood with no fear of contracting HIV or Syphillis.

--------------------------------------------

Don't know why, but Asians thinks that their blood is so precious that it is worth more than gold of the same weight. You don't die from the 5-10cc of blood your doctors take. You can't even get anaemia from it! In hospital, we don't sell your blood and as far as I am concern, I have no interest to "do experiments" on your blood either!

So please, if you can, donate blood. The doctors don't need it. The patients do!

Doc...Kao Ying Buey? (Are you married?)

2005-10-19T08:28:00.003+08:00

I have been asked this question on how to tell if your doctor is married.

1. Ask

a. The doctor himself/herself
DR: Hello. (Looks at clerking card) Miss Tan right? What brings you to the clinic today?
Miss Tan: Doctor… are you married?

DR: Hello Mr Tan. You look so tired today. What happened?
Mr Tan: Doctor… how many children do you have?

b. Other doctors
DR: Hello Miss Tan. How are you feeling today?
Miss Tan: Hi… do you know if Dr. Ong from Ward 45 is married?

c. The ugly, old clinic assistant (UOCA)
Miss Tan: Eh…ask you hor… your Dr. Ong… is he married?
UOCA: (without even looking up) Yes. To me.

d. Other patients
(In waiting area)
Miss Tan: Hmm.. just wondering if our Dr. Ong is married.
Miss Ang, Miss Lim, Miss Tay, Miss Chen, Miss Lee: (in unison) That’s what we want to know too!

e. The internet
You can always google. You may be surprised at what you might find. E.g. Using google to check for this doctor called Dr. BL Og will link you to his blog. However, you will still be unsure whether he is married or not.

2. Check for pictures

- Look out for photo frames on his desk, his wall. For many married doctors, apart from their degrees, they usually frame up some family pictures on the wall, the desk etc.
- Use the photos to ask more questions.

- Check his wallet! Creep silently like a ninja behind him when he is paying for food in the canteen. Then it will be revealed that...

- If little girl, likely his daughter or he is a pedophile.
- If sweet young thing, likely his girlfriend is still a university student (HEH!) or he still has not grown out of a certain phase in life yet
- If mature, gorgeous babe, likely his girlfriend/wife/mistress
- If more mature, slightly plump lady, likely his wife. Well, it may be his mother. But you sure you want to be with a guy who keeps his mother's picture in the wallet? If keep family picture I still can understand...
- If his own photo, he is likely to be narcissistic and won't be interested in you. Maybe if you are his twin brother. But then again that is another story for another day
- If little boy, likely his son or he is a homosexual pedophile
- If sweet young male thing/hunk/elderly man, he is likely gay. And you won't stand a chance. Unless you think you can convert him.
- If picture of a sheep/goat....... well......

3. Check the clinic room to look for circumstantial evidence
E.g. Are there any lunch boxes lying around? If there are, it may mean a few things.Examples
“…hey, I am happily married and this lunchbox is the evidence of my wife’s love and devotion to me…”

“…hey, I am married and my wife is controlling my finances. No choice but have to eat from lunch boxes...”

“…hey, I am not married but I have this love-hate relationship with my mother. She prepares lunch for me to symbolise her control over me…”

“…hey, I am not married and I am too stingy to go out for lunch…”

You may not want to know him better. Period.4. Check his fingers
- Are there rings there?- Well, many surgeons I know don’t wear their wedding bands because it is rather troublesome to have to take off/put on in the OT. For operations I mean. Not for er….other things like what they may do on Sunday Morning. So it may be a bit harder if you intend to chase a surgeon. But then again, why do you want to be with a surgeon? =P- Some of them wear the rings on their necklaces. Can check the neck as well. Can also check for love bites at the same time.

5. Stalk your doctor
- Highly effective but also highly illegal.

The above methods can all be tried, apart from number 5. Unless you want to be arrested and get sent to a mental hospital for evaluation. Unless your target is a psychatrist.

Houseman Survivor Guide: Why?

2005-10-18T20:27:00.002+08:00

Houseman Survivor Guide (Monkey Edition)
I. Introduction
II. Hospital Hierarchy
III. A Typical Day
IV. Painkillers
V. Meet The F*ckers
VI. Kopi Politics
VII. Why?

On paper, housemanship or internship is suppose to be a time of learning. Technically, you still belong to the faculty of medicine rather than the hospital (clusters). In actual fact, housemanship is just an excuse to make new doctors do all the sai gang and still get paid peanuts (our national currency).

So it is no wonder that despite encouraging HOs to learn, asking too many questions is often frowned upon. After all the hospital is a very busy place and if you have so many "why this" "why that" who is going to do all the digital evacuations and take all the bloods?

Asking too many silly academic questions will also definitely not impress your seniors. You risk exposing their ignorance and in the process offending them!

HO: Hmmmm, why give medicine A in condition B and not medicine C+D?
MO: Emmmm, very cheem. I go find out, you finish all the changes yourself!

Of course the more lao jiao senior doctors have this strategy,

HO: Er, why give medicine A in condition B and not medicine C+D?
Consultant: What do you think?
HO: Er......
Consultant: You better go home and read up. Tell me the answer tomorrow!

They throw the question back in your face and quickly walk off, wiping the sweat off their forehead.

But yet, we often hear senior doctors telling us that "you can only learn by asking questions!" Alamak, ambivalence. So how? To ask or not to ask?

Dr Og gives you the simple Og's golden rules of asking questions during ward rounds.

1) If you have any clinical questions or doubts pertaining to patients and their treatment. Always ask. Look stupid also must ask.

2) If you have any academic questions or doubts, go read up yourself lah! Don't be lazy! Don't ask stupid questions and make yourself look stupid can?

3) Only ask academic questions if you already know the answers,
HO: I always wondered why medicine A is preferred over medicine B.
Prof: What do you think?
HO: I reckoned it is due to the fact that A has effect C?
Prof: Excellent!!! You are spot on!
(Brownie point ++++)

4) Of course there are those insightless HO who will always ask the most inappropriate question at the most inappropriate time. In front of the whole team,
HO: Prof that night I saw you swimming with the female HO from internal med. She is your daughter ar?
This type of HO I suggest go and specialise in pathology.

Sunday Morning

2005-10-18T12:39:00.003+08:00

I can tell you all for a fact (cross my heart) that the following event did NOT happen in the country with SG as its initial.

It was just another day in the life of Ah Seng the hospital cleaner. He has been assigned to clean the operating theatres (OT) since the beginning of last year. He hated his job. The OTs were always so cold and he was just wearing this thin, filmsy OT baju, not unlike the on-call bajus that doctors wear (which you can sometimes see their underwears in). But looking at the other cleaners, some stuck in the hot and humid "C-Class" wards, he felt slightly better. What else can he do? He was already 60+ years old. He needed a hearing aid. He did not know any computers. Who would want to hire him?

It was a Sunday, and in this hospital, they did not do any operations on Sundays, unless it was an emergency. And Ah Seng knew that there were hardly any emergencies in that region. Not on a lazy, quiet Sunday morning.

Ah Seng was cleaning the OT when he saw light coming from one of the windows on the OT doors. He heard the all too familiar sounds of a procedure going in there.

"Must be another road traffic accident again.." Ah Seng thought to himself as he tried to remember whether he saw anything on his way to the hospital that morning.

Ah Seng peered through the window. He saw the surgeon (who was one of the consultants)hard at work, beads of perspiration on his forehead. He saw the scrub nurse busy with her hands as well, helping the surgeon along.

Yeah, you guessed it. They were having sex. On the OT table.

Ah Seng quietly left the OT.
He told Ahmad, his supervisor.
Ahmad told his friends during one of the smoking breaks.
A junior doctor was near the smoking break.
Yadda Yadda Yadda

A couple of weeks later, the surgeon and his wife moved to another part of the country. The scrub nurse also changed hospital to work in.

And no, they did not move to the same hospital.

My First Kill

2005-10-18T10:35:00.002+08:00

Ok, this is a meme (whatever the hell that means) from the angry one (link is at sidebar). I suppose I should be talking about my first kill experience as a doctor?? I mean when I was 2 years old, I killed plenty of ants. That would technically be my very first kill, though which ant, I really cannot remember. Nevermind lah, they all look the same anyway.

As a doctor, hmmmm.... That IS an interesting story......

One night as a Houseman on call, Dr Og was given the mission to go buy dinner. I was a surgical HO and was too lazy to change out of the hospital baju (scrubs). So I wore that and went to the same place a few post back where I was digging in the dustbin. That place is always so crowded and everyone was of course staring at this weird person in hospital attire spreading germs around.

I decided to by-the-way, get myself a nice cup of coffee. Everyone knows Dr Og loves his cup of chino. In the coffee place (will not name the place since they are not paying me advertising fees, but you can guess lah) was this really hot chick!

Our eyes met. (And I confirm she was not my patient. Woohoo! Wah lau, patient so chio I sure remember can?)

She must be intrigued by my OT (operating theatre) attire. You know, girls get attracted to such stuff! I walked up to her and striked up a conversation (one month from completing housemanship, lots of confidence). She was from Malaysia, an Eurasian (explains the shape features)and was doing an elective program at the university next to my hospital. I entertained her with some of Dr Og's all time classics.

Just as we were warming up to each other, my pager beeped. Damn, my fellow HO must be hungry liao (or he is overwhelmed with cases covering me hahaha). I asked her for her number and she said," I don't think my boyfriend will be too happy about it. He is over there waiting for me in his car"

She pointed to a Porsche with an Ang Moh inside. And to add salt to wound, she told me giggling, " Oh yeah, do you know that your hospital pants is really translucent. Can see your underwear beneath it." Damn those cheapo hospital attire!

And she walked off.

My first kill....... almost.

You Ain't Heavy, You're my Stethoscope.

2005-10-17T18:03:00.002+08:00

The stethoscope is a status (not sex) symbol in medicine. There is an unspoken rule that thou shalt not carry a stethoscope around thy neck if you are not a doctor. Medical students are expected to be in their lab coat if they wanna hang their stethoscopes around their necks. If not there is the danger that their heads get bitten off their necks by some niau senior in a bad mood whose head just got bitten off by her Consultant (hospital food chain). The only exception to this rule are the physiotherapists. I never really figured out why physios needed stethoscopes except pretend to be doctors? :P

After SARS, there were much discussions about how (un)hygienic it is to carry your stethoscope around. Rest assured that doctors almost never do anything kinky with their stets (almost never because I can only vouch for myself)!! We are after all boring and unimaginative people. My readers will no doubt enjoy themselves providing innovative uses for this beloved medical equipment.

You can also tell the quality of a medical drama from the kind of stethoscope they use. (Yes! Dr Og so loves his job watch TV also must see medical stuff!)

ER

Dr Carter carries a Rappaport-Sprague stethoscope. This double-lumen stethoscope has two separate channels running from the chestpiece to each binaural and have superior sound quality as a result.

As a result of Noah Wyle, the HP Rappaport-Sprague stethoscopes became hotcakes amongst female medical students in the late nineties.

Scrubs

Dr Dorian also carries a Rappaport -Sprague stethoscope.

In general, most practitioners who need to detect heart murmurs and other more subtle sounds prefer using double-lumen stethoscopes. Because of the superior sound quality, the cost of double-lumen stethoscopes is higher than single-lumen models.

妙手人心

Dr Lai (and his colleague) carries a Littman Classics, a all time favourite amongst medical students and doctors.

Local Drama

$3 uber cheapo stethoscope that no decent medical student will be seen with [let alone a black tag (specialist)].
But the 1980s sibei side parting hairstyle is quite accurate...... hahaha.

PS: Dr Og neber carries his stethoscope around. It is simply too heavy and gives him neckache. His stethoscope does appears occasionally in this ~~blog~~ site.

Weekend Has Ended

2005-10-17T00:53:00.002+08:00

Like every other weekend, this one passed by in a blur.
Went to Holland Village. Thought I saw a blogger who used to put pictures of herself with her mouth twirled up. She no longer does that anymore. Wonder if that was her. Looks different leh, if it was her.
Was walking to my car when I saw this sign outside some learning centre.

Excellent. Now my Engrish is surely goind to improved.

Then I saw this in a dustbin.
So this is what Hugh Hefner used to play as a boy.

Sian. Weekend has ended.

Family Violence

2005-10-16T08:16:00.002+08:00

A man in his fifties with a history of somnambulism was admitted for fracture of his arm. In the routine clerking of the case he revealed:

Man: Doc, my sleep walking is getting worse......
Doc: Why you say that?
Man: Yesterday night, I even slapped my wife in my sleep. (smiles sheepishly)
Doc: Bet you wanted to do that for a long time! Hahaha
Man: Hahahaha.....
Doc: So what happened to your arm?
Man: She kicked me off the bed.

Don't mess with Big Mama!

I Will Bring You Home

2005-10-14T11:50:00.001+08:00

Dedicated to all overseas students

She was a medical student in a foreign land 14 hours away from home by direct flight. It was the X'mas season and everyone she knew went home for celebrations. Her room mates were the only exception but they were probably somewhere enjoying the sceneries in Prague at that moment.

She felt lonely. She was home sick. She regretted having made the decision of doing medicine despite not given a place in the local medical school. Her family had mortgaged their flat to fulfil her life long dream. She had to work part time for her own allowances. There were no extra cash. Had she just stayed behind and perharps take up an easier and shorter course, her family will have less of a financial burden. But they never grumbled, they fulfilled her wish. She felt she was too selfish. She had let them down.

"Gor, how is everyone?" She made a call to her brother. He was a House Officer at the local hospital.

"Everyone is fine. Heh, I'm really busy...... Can I call you later?" He was on call that day.

"Its all right then. Merry X'mas." After she put down the phone, she broke into tears.

Her brother sensing something wrong, quickly jotted something down on the hospital memo pad. He passed it to a good friend who was post call to post it the day itself.

Few days later she recieved the post from her brother. In that five minutes he had scribbled something on a memo.

She cried again. But this time she had the strength to carry on.

Hello Kitten...... The Aftermath

2005-10-13T12:56:00.002+08:00

"Here comes another composition."

Humans are forgetful beings. In the recent years, many tragedies and diasters played themselves before our eyes. Many were medical in nature. Many have been forgotten
The Hello Kitten debacle does not rank anywhere close to many of these disasters in terms of casualties. However it was tragic to see grown ups fighting for toy dolls.
Recently, Dr Og went to the home of a friend. He had broken up with his girlfriend (Yes! Another single & eligible male doctor!) of many years and wanted some help in disposing what she had left behind.
There in one corner of the room was a complete set of Hello Kittens. Still in their wrapper. Still in prestine condition. I picked up the pair in Japanese costume, this was the last set released in the series.
"I remember this one! This was the one we couldn't get that night." I recalled having to wait outside a fast food restaurant from 9pm the night before til 8am the next morning and having to leave empty handed.
In the queue that night were the most unusual suspects:
1. Aunties with their market trolleys. These women were easily in their fifties and sixties, I'm sure they don't go to sleep hugging their soft toys. I overheard one of them saying,"Die die must get the whole set for my granddaughter!"
2. Bangladeshi workers in their PCK yellow boots. Obviously just off work in all the glory of sweat and mud. Overheard their foreman shouting at them before leaving in his pickup, "I die die must get the Kittens, queue here, I come in the morning."
3. An unkempt vagrant with a beer bottle in his hand. At one point he shouted loudly, "Must get those Kittens or wo see liao (i die already)!!" Wondered if he was despatched by his loanshark. Can just imagine the ah long telling him," Get me those kittens, I count as interest! OR YOU DIE!"
4. Maids, like the workers were made by their employers to queue for the Kittens. They were busy chatting amongst themselves in their foreign tongue.
But the really spoil market people where the pre-university students who were queueing right in front. They expanded from a one man show to a carabet of forty. The Aunties naturally became quite angry and started yelling at them. They reckoned that since the students can cut queue, so can they. There was mayhem once the restaurant opened for business. The riot police had to be called in.
In the end, the Aunties were the first to fight their way in (YEA Aunty Power!). They got their Kittens, da bao the meals and went happily for their morning marketing. The vagrant was next to walk in. No one dared stand in his way (the stench maybe). He got his Kittens, gobbled down the meals and went off in the direction of the kopitiam, possibly for an eye opener. The students got their Kittens, threw away the meals and made their way to school (or to the computers to blog about their teachers). The foreign workers didn't get no Kittens but they probably got pussies of another kind making friends with the maids. The rest of us were dispersed by the well meaning law enforcing officers.
Like my friend, I ended up having to buy the last Japanese set from the black market (the set did smell of alcohol, maybe my imagination). Like him, I have parted with the girl whom I gave the set to. Unlike him, she took the Kittens with her.
"So what you going to do with these?" I asked him as I went through the sets. Jap, Chinese, Space, whatever......
"They are really worthless now. Sell on Ebay also no one wants." He lamented.
"Like that I take lah, throw away so wasted!" Dr Og is uber cheapskate.

----------------------------------------------

Ok, ok the part you all like best!!!! Moral of the story:

Dr Og has a set of Hello Kittens gathering dust at home, anyone interested to buy email me can?? Highest bidder wins!!!

Tip of a Cigarette

2005-10-13T09:27:00.003+08:00

Ah Pek was admitted to the hospital after he complained of breathlessness associated with cough and fever for about 2 weeks. He has been smoking since he was in Primary Six when some friends introduced him to this brand called “555”. He has since upgraded to Malboro. (Perhaps in his heart, Ah Pek had always wanted to be a cowboy after watching some black & white film at a nearby community centre. Perhaps.)

Ah Pek went for a chest X-Ray during this admission. Apart from consolidation in his lungs, they also noticed this little nodule near the left apex. He was advised about the possibility of lung cancer. Ah Pek remembered that his father, who was also a smoker, died of lung cancer. He also remembered when he was in Secondary 2, his father coughed out blood after a huge argument with him about quitting school.

Ah Pek's children have been trying for years to get him to stop smoking. They even got his grandchildren to "hint" to grandpa that he should stop. But Ah Pek never listened to them.

That day, Ah Pek returned to the ward after his CT scan of the thorax and abdomen. He carefully took out 2 sticks of malboro hidden between his stack of underwear and fished out a lighter from his drawer. He told the nurse that he was going downstairs for coffee. He did not wait for their reply and left the ward anyway.

Ah Pek went to the ground floor, squatted near the staircase landing and lighted his cigarette. He did this yesterday, the day before and on the day after his admission. He was still having a fever then.

Ah Pek was oblivious that people were walking past him, looking at him. Here was a man in hospital attire smoking. Here was a man, coughing in between the puffs.

As Ah Pek turned to flick the cigarette ash away, he heard a very very loud thump, and he felt raindrops on his face, his arms.

They were not raindrops. They were reddish, pinkish. And some of it was not liquid. Something mushy. In front of Ah Pek was the body of a fat patient, a fat patient who used to be alive a couple of seconds ago. The body was lying face down, limbs distorted, bent at places where the limbs were not supposed to bend.

Ah Pek was still sitting there when the crowds started to come. The cigarette was still lighted with ash gathered on the tip. Tiny red droplets could be seen on the pale, whitish portion of the stick.

Ah Pek never smoked again.

And it was not lung cancer.

Loss Of Innocence

2005-10-12T21:16:00.002+08:00

Was going to use my old Avatar of Bert.....

But, caught them in action on my camera with my new found hobby of photography.....

So new pic for my profile!

Obs & Gynae

2005-10-12T12:44:00.002+08:00

Obstetrics and Gyanecology

Doctor's Photography

2005-10-12T11:18:00.001+08:00

Night Scene outside hospital

Our Eyes Met

2005-10-11T16:05:00.003+08:00

I was walking by myself in Tikishamiyi, when I saw his lady walking towards me. She looked familiar but I just cannot place when I met her. This is a familiar feeling. I believe many a times we see somebody and we wonder whether we’ve met them somewhere before. I remembered when I was in medical school, I met this really pretty girl from another faculty that looked so familiar. Where have I seen her before? Was it in a dream? =) It turned out that she was the daughter of a provision shop owner near my old place. (That’s another story for another time and place)

As the lady approached, our eyes met for a brief moment. And I saw it in her eyes that she knew me from somewhere. (And “knew” used here does NOT mean the Biblical sense of the word [Dr. Og doesn’t really anyhow sow his oats one…])

I wondered if I should smile at her. What if I was mistaken? Can I pretend that I was smiling at the person behind her? At that moment, I took a quick glance at the person behind her. I shuddered. I did not want to smile at some man wearing a tight pink T-shirt and white jeans with his longish wallet clasped between his right armpit, his right elbow was flexed with the right wrist drooping, in a classical wrist drop position (see picture for what wrist drop is).

As our eyes parted, I made the decision not to smile, just in case. As I walked past her, I heard her tell her friend,

“...There… this one lah…this one my loctor lor….so “dao”…like neber see me like that“

She was right. I don’t recognise her. I remembered seeing her in one of the clinics I have ran at some point but I can’t remember which clinic and when I saw her. Some patients are embarrassed. They avoid being associated with us. (“jay jay” will know why…)

How we know whether patients wants to acknowledge us or not?

Holy Smoking!

2005-10-11T08:55:00.003+08:00

"limpek happy, what can you do about it?"

Smoking is a big health issue. In fact, it costs our small beautiful island millions of peanuts (our national currency) to treat the many ills that befall smokers. At a time when doctors were better respected, this was what we did:

Ah Pek: Lokun, cannot breath properly, sibei jialat..... (coughs)
Loctor: See lah, you smoke so much now your lungs spoil liao loh. Whats that in your pocket? Wah lau, cigarettes!!! you still smoking??? I confiscate first.
Ah Pek: Cannot lah lokun...... I so old already, don't smoke will die!
Loctor: Rubbish, you discharge then give yo back.
Ah Pek: .....

Trust me, the ah pek didn't die from NOT smoking. But tactics like these don't work nowadays when even mah laus have their rights and complain letters come flying in faster than the defunct Concord planes.

There are also those who just cannot come clean with their addiction to hun kee.Loctor: Uncle, looks like you have lung problem. Got smoke or not?
Ah Pek: Aiyah, I quit already lah. Cannot be the cigarettes.
Loctor: Isit? When you quit leh?
Ah Pek: Yesterday loh. But actually not successful. I just had one this morning. Hehe....

Sigh. Incorrigible.

And as much as the medical faternity pretends otherwise, many loctors are also smokers. Most will tell you that they are in various stages of quitting.
"Og, this is my last one!"
"Og, this is really my last one!"
"Og, this time believe me, my very very last one!"
I can really empathise with them as the post two posts ago was my "last post" but the addiction obviously got the better of me....

Of course, smoking is discouraged within hospital compounds and often it becomes a covert operation for lokuns to go for a smoking break.

Og: Wei, where you disappear after lunch?
Loctor friend: Shhsshh! I go find yellow box lah.
Og: At the staircase isit? I always see a lot of cigarettes thrown there!
Loctor friend: No lah. There alot of patients.
Og: Why? You scared they borrow your expensive lighter isit?
Loctor: No lah, they keep asking me for cigarettes. Now very ex ok!
Og: So where you go huh?
Loctor friend: Secret, cannot tell you!

After all, what the monkeys see, the monkeys will do and we really don't want them to model after these bad examples!

Oh well, what the heck, time to go home after a hard day of work preaching to these smokers. Wah! How come got so much smoke coming from behind my car! Catch fire isit??? I ran to the carpark and saw my loctor friend with his kahkis squatting behind my car with cigarettes in their hands.

Og: Wah lau you all damn pathetic leh! I thought you say you going to quit??
Loctor friend: Basket Og, this my last one lah! You really got no sympathy ok!
Sigh. Incorrigible.

Dedicated to the Cigarette Smoking Man

I'm Back Part 2: Resuscitating Ogie

2005-10-09T14:17:00.002+08:00

How do you bring someone back to life after he commits bloggicide??? If not handled properly, readers might think that it was all some publicity stunt.

Here at Monkey Republic, all healers go through accreditations for emergency life saving courses. As the subjects at our small beautiful island are mostly monkeys (and some cows + one donkey), the details of this course is really not of much importance to you. Three things however stays the same: A - Airway, B - Breathing, C - circulation.

Sama sama, the resuscitation of a blogger also follows this universal protocol.

A - Airway
" I need a Yanker and prepare ETT size 7 half!!"

Before resurrecting, Dr Og had to see his lawyer friend to get (airway) clearance......
Og: So how? My blo.... I mean website, ok or not?
Law Dude: Not bad lah, some parts quite corny. Can't see why people say its hilarious.....
Og: No I mean, can revive boh?
Law Dude: Orh..... Nothing written here that reflects the truth? The whole truth?? And nothing but the truth???
Og: No!!! Its fake, all fake, nothing but fake. Like ER and Scrubs......
Law Dude: I guess if you don't cross the line.... should be fine.....
Og: Wah lau, you din tell me anything I don't already know!
Law Dude: But you still gotta pay me.
Og: Any discount brother? Given our long standing friendship.
Law Dude: You're making doctors look cheapo!
Og: Not even if I intro pretty doctor friends to you?Law Dude: Pretty doctor? That's oxymoronic.
Og: Oxy simi?Anyway got any law people blo..... write on the web or not?Law Dude: NO. We only write if we get paid for it.

B - Breathing
"Connect the air viva to the ETT, get a ventilator!"
If the airway is clear. Can Dr Og start to ventilate again? Everyone needs to ventilate. Finding the right avenue is important or wait your buttocks kennah bua gu you. The safest way is of course to shout into your toilet bowl (please flush first ok).

But since we treat mainly monkeys here in State General, as long as I don't spill their peanuts or wash their dirty fur in public, surely I can breath again??!

C - Circulation "No heartbeat, start CPR!"

Do we have the passion in our heart to write again? Dr Og is downright addicted to ~~blogging~~ writing!!! First the hand itched terribly. Then Dr Og was tremoring. Buay sai liao!!!!! Gimme that computer!

Somewhere along the line, medicine adopted addiction and made it our baby.
Law Dude: Hmmmm, mebbe if you can certify yourself an internet addict, you can get away with diminished responsibility.......
Og: I'm not paying you for that last advice!

"Er, we have a rhythym? One life saved?"

The end of the beginning/the beginning of the end

2005-10-02T13:44:00.001+08:00

Therefore,

Headlines!

2005-10-02T09:48:00.002+08:00

Man stands for rights of Mozzies
By CB Chow
Oct 2, 2005
The Longkang Times, National Paper of Monkey Republic

Mr Gan Boh Liao, 40, a Chinese immigrant, lodged a complaint with SPCA (State Prevention of Cruelty Against Animals) today for what he described as "genocide" and "extreme cruelty" against the Aedes mosquitoes.

When interviewed by reporters at the gate of SPCA, Mr Gan was visibly angry. He was pulling his hair.

"SPCA suppose to protect animal correct or not? But they now blur blur dunno what to do, say must think first. We are not talking about racism you know! This is beyond that, this is the massacre of an entire species!" He said, gesticulating his hands wildly.

Mr Gan has been an advocate for minority rights since the early nineties. These included fighting for the rights of neonates (infants below 1 month old) to have breast feeding and his famous hunger strike not to have the National Parks trim trees along roadside against their wishes. Thus far, his efforts had not been successful. He was prompted to act again with the recent increase fumigation and campaign against dengue fever by the authorities.

"They make the mosquitoes out to be this evil thing. This is nothing but pure evil prejudice!" He exclaimed. Mr Gan said he will go on a hunger strike again if his calls for all actions towards Aedes mosquitoes to be stopped is not met.

The Longkang Times spoke to Dr BL Og, a fugitive blogger cum fake doctor who hails from a land infested with Aedes. He believes that fumigation will not be effective as "my readers told me it just chases the mosquitoes from Toa Payoh to Ang Mo Kio" and that portrayal of mosquitoes as evil is indeed unfair "but I am more for the lizards."

In the mean time the director of SPCA commented that they will be holding a special EGM to deliberate if mosquitoes can indeed be considered animals. "We know that they are insects, but animals..... we are not so sure. If not, the SPCA will technically not be able to intervene."

In reaction to this, Mr Gan replied: "See! This is another example of how we discriminate against mosquitoes! Of course they are animals what!" As to the question about how dengue fever has been responsible for the increasing death toll, Mr Gan said, " In the first place the humans were the ones who breed them in their gardens and construction sites. Like that should not fog the mosquitoes but FLOG the humans!"

Can Vomit Blood

2005-09-30T15:13:00.002+08:00

Never disturb a sleeping baby....

3 am.
Nurse: Doc, can you see this patient.
Doc: Why?
Nurse: He hasn't been able to go to sleep after I woke him up.
Doc: Why you wake him up for?
Nurse: To take his sleeping pills.

.... unless you got milk!

Outbreeding

2005-09-29T15:54:00.003+08:00

Many fellow readers still seemed rather interested in dating doctors despite the many warnings I had dished out. Some asked me how to attract the attention of a doctor. You can try bending over your knees and kissing your buttocks. That attracts the attention of anyone.....

Dating doctors are not a good idea at all. really really really. For medical and paramedical staff, as mentioned previously, the simple factor of proximity sometimes sparks relationships. That one is boh bian. Why you want to purposely step on shit, I really dunno. But you want, ok loh.

First and most importantly, don't go pretend to be sick to see a cute doctor. Doctors are not allowed to go out with patients! Ethically forbidden. If you want an essay on boundary violations and why it is unethical to do so, email me, lets not bore the rest of the readers.

So how to meet doctors leh? I am in the process of starting the Og's registry of single doctors. The progress is slow as many had returned my survey form as "unspecified" or "I am in the process of breaking up". In the mean time I know some single doctors lurking around SDU and that gym I mentioned before.

To date a doctor, you have to tolerate certain idiosyncracies.

1. Like talking about gory things over dinner......
Doc: this drumstick really reminds me of the broken leg I fixed just now.
The Date: oh really? how so? (kay kay (pretend) interested)
Doc: here have some, can't finish (he breaks the drumstick from the spring chicken) you know, the leg was hanging loose like this drumstick loh (he swings the drumstick like a pendulum), wah I tell you, the blood splurt splurt splurt (he puts the drumstick on her plate and started pouring ketchup for her). Eat leh!
The Date abit nauseated but politely took a bite: how exciting..... heh heh.....
Doc: come to think of it, din wash my hands. you wait ar, I go wash room.

2. Like he is never sympathetic when you are sick.
The Date: I think I got dengue.
Doc: Fever?
The Date: Yes...
Doc: Muscle pain?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Headache?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Rashes?
The Date: No...
Doc: Not Dengue. Where we going for dinner? Lets go back to the same place, I saw another broken leg today!

3. Like he is also not sympathetic when your relatives are sick.
The Date: The doctor says my mum has Myasthenia Gravis.
Doc: Oh, that came out for my MBBS long case. Interesting case it was too.....

4. Like he is always walking so fast.
The Date: Can you walk slower abit. My feet got blisters already....
Doc: Sorry, walk so slow can never finish morning round one. I 'm used to this pace. You will get use to the blister one.

5. Like he is always too busy to go out with you.
HO: heh, what happened, you look so sad?
MO: my girlfriend just sms me to breakup.....
HO: what happened, quarrelled about something?
MO: where got quarrel? haven't seen her for one week.....

Climate of Fear

2005-09-29T10:40:00.002+08:00

After a seemingly mundane consultation in the specialist out patient clinic, a patient asked.....

Patient: Loctor, wat your name?
MO instinctively shifts his elbow abit to hide his name tag: Why you want to know?
Patient: No lah, wats your name.
MO (suspicious): Yah, why you want my name?
Patient: ????
MO (remembers his risk management lectures): You got any complaints or problems can tell me. I help you!
Patient: No lah, see you so many times liao, still don't know your name. Name tag so small cannot see.

Living in a climate of fear makes people paranoid.

Good Clean Fun

2005-09-28T07:16:00.002+08:00

Nurses at enema spas do not, i repeat, do not look like this.

What is good clean fun? Insulting your teachers on blogs apparently is not.
I agree that sometimes our young ones are really boh tua boh suay (no big no small). But other than punishing and suspending the students, will the school also educate them accordingly? Will the teachers who were insulted take some time to also reflect on why their rapport with the students were so poor?

What is good clean fun? Laughing about ouselves is sometimes not.
I started my blog so that I can laugh at myself and also my colleagues. I blog about things that amuses me. And sometimes it amuses others. The funny situations I blogged about though resembling real life events are largely fictional. But a joke and an insult is just one thin line apart. I do not mean to insult anyone or any organisation. When someone feels upset about my posts, the joke is no more because it doesn't amuse me anymore.

What is good clean fun? Visiting lup sup bar is not.
A non doctor good friend frequents lup sup bars. He declares it is "Good clean fun" as long as there is no sex. I am sure his wife would disagree.

What is good clean fun? Enema is definitely NOT.
Of all the patients I had ordered enema for, none had ever enjoyed it. So I find the idea of an enema spa bizzare and rather repulsive. Of course that is just me. But Blinkymummy (read this), there is one thing I can guarantee you, it is never clean.

Tube feeding for the man with a butt-face...

Binary Confusion Part 1

2005-09-27T10:20:00.002+08:00

Computer: Your password is overdue. Please change your password.
Doc: Again? $%#@!!!
(types):******
Computer: Your new password must be different from your old one. Please reenter your password.
Doc: Wah liao.....
(types):******
Computer: Your new password must be different from your previous 4 passwords. Please reenter your password.
Doc: Chow turtle!!!!!!

You see, I have passwords for at least 5 different programs from prescription to claiming allowances. Each has to be changed periodically. I was told I should not use English words or birth dates or my name. Safe passwords should be alpha-numeric and make no sense. Eg: s1fg355s9
So every now and then I have to call the techies,
Doc: Ehh, I forgot my password again...... can reset?

Yup, these days at State General, everything is (suppose to be) electronic and paperless. Sometimes it is quite amusing to see the old profs struggle with computers. But it is really not funny when the system breaks down on you in the middle of a busy clinic.

Doc calls tech line: Hello. System down again.....
Techie: Can you close the window and open again?
Doc: basket, I thought the open close window thing is a joke?
Techie: hahaha, yah. But really, can you shut down your comp and restart.
Doc: But the error message says SQL down leh, think its your central server.
Techie: nevermind that, just shut down, Window(TM) works in mysterious ways.
Doc: I very busy wor, patients all popping their head in liao, how long this gonna take?
Techie: ok, ok I come down.

Techie who is a young punk with yellow hair comes down.
Techie: hi Doc, My name Beckham. You wait ar!
He starts running norton antivirus.
Doc: Basket, server problem why you run norton?
Techie: thats the protocol mah. First open and close window, then run antivirus. After that run ad-aware lah! If still cannot call troubleshooter in India lor!

Cross Breeding

2005-09-25T09:51:00.003+08:00

A doctor-doctor relationship invariably breaks down when the man doctor realizes the woman doctor has no intention to give up her practice to start a family. Of course those female chavinist will argue: "Why not the man give up his career???" But we all know very well that if the man did that, he will still lose his woman. Who are we kidding, DOH!

While its attempts at inbreeding might have failed, the fish does not swim far beyond its pond to look for a new prey. It usually cross breeds with other species within the ~~hospital~~ same pool of water.

By natural selection, nurses become the target of choice. Of course we are not talking about senior senior senior staff nurses like Suzie and Wuzie here (read this). Those belong in our hall of fame simply on the terms of their antiquity. We are talking about young and pretty little Missies just fresh from nursing school. Let Dr Og warn you here that there ARE wolf-doctors in sheepskins preying on these young impressionable girls. Though on the same note, there are girls who became nurses with the sole aim of marrying a doctor. Of course these blacksheeps belong to the minority and are prolly regressive individuals who never got beyond uniform fetishism.

The majority of doctors are really just dorks when it comes to the affairs of the heart. However don't we just LOVE those protocols and clinical pathways! Allow Dr Og to guide you with the all new, validated Og's Pathway of Finding True Love In Hospital:

Step 1: Research
I'm not trying to ask you to go and get a PI to investigate the girl lah . Background research is essential to find out if the ger is already attached (means no hope liao) or if she is even remotely interested. The best way is to ask the other nurses (never mind being laughed at!). One of my colleague made the mistake of asking a soft spoken Staff Nurse for a date without first finding out that she did not like short plumbish doctor with receding hairline who are 10 years older than herself. She screamt her head off and ran away.

Step 2: Induction
In kindergarten, you expressed your love by pulling the girl's hair. You can very much do the same in the wards though Dr Og really doubt that the nurse you are interested in will appreciate it very much. Try instead to induce some feelings by arguing about why the patient required hourly monitoring or refusing to set a new plug for the one she had dislodged again.

Step 3: Reconciliation
If you successfully created some sparks with the man-made friction and avoided getting yourself burnt with a complaint, you know you can proceed further. Now is the time to buy her some hot drinks from the vending machine during the cold and lonely night calls. She will appreciate the fact that you remember her despite a busy call though you really just wanted to do things on the sly for fear of getting ridicued!

Step 4: Look, Listen, Feel
Look to see if she recipocrate. Suddenly, your plugs stop dislodging mysteriously and your morning bloods are all taken.
Listen for any rumours or gossips amongst her jie mei. If she is to reject you, it is likely she will be broadcasting your antics as a joke to the whole world.
Feel. Not asking you to feel her all over! At this stage, you will just end up arrested. Feel instead for the vibes!

Step 5: Group therapy
Things are going your way but you are shy and she is shy. So how? It is now time to invite other doctors and nurses for an outing in a group. You can ask her for her handphone number on the pretext of the outing. This will be a chance for you to get to know her outside the hospital setting. (And also to see if she looks good in something other than her uniform!)

Step 6: Individual Therapy
During the group outings, create some opportunities to be with her alone. Volunteer to drive her home. Set up the next date with her alone! You are almost done!

Step 7: Boundary Setting
Like the cat, you must set up boundaries and declare the territory yours. Unlike the cat, urintating is not going to work. Set up a spy network of doctors and nurses to monitor for any invading enemies. If you find any other doctors trying step 1 to 6 with your ger, bring him to one corner and sort things out. If not, get your friends to blanket him (provided he is more junior than you)!

Attempts to bluff xiao mei mei to the call room in your birthday suit will earn you an automatic expulsion from the faternity!

Inbreeding

2005-09-23T20:55:00.003+08:00

One night, a classmate from med school came to chat with me after admitting his patient to my ward. Actually Dr Og has the memory of a goldfish and had forgotten his name altogether. So I tried to quickly switch the topic to his girlfriend, another classmate whom I knew better.

Og: So how's A ah?
Classmate-dunno-name stared at me in awkward silence but managed to mumble something after a while: She should be alright..... I guess.....

I got the drift and quickly excused myself on the pretext of having to answer a page.

The next day, I went to kaypoh abit and found out that A had broken up with T (I also found out his name hahaha). The disturbing thing was that A is now going out with C another colleague of mine and T is going after J, also my classmate. T also happened to be the ex boyfriend of W who was in the same department as me. Confused? Go draw the relationship diagram yourself!!

Indeed, inbreeding (jargon for those involved in doctor-doctor-relationship) is prevalent in medicine. This results in the intricate and sometimes embarrasing relationships amongst doctors. Consider this imaginary scenerio:

Dr Tan's wife is pregnant with twins and will be undergoing lower segment caeserian section at a local hospital. In the OT,

Anaesthetist: Hi, Mrs Tan. I'm Dr W, your anaesthetist for today. Oh, I happen to also be your husband's ex girlfriend. Your surgeon today is Dr C, (lowers her volume), I actually dumped him last time for your husband. Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge against Dr Tan. I'm now happily married to Dr B. He is your baby's neonatologist!
Mrs Tan: Can you get my husband here, I will like to kill him!

So you see, relationships between doctors are often uncomfortable and bizarre with the rampant inbreeding. If Dr Og needed a circumcision, rest assured he will be crossing the causeway to our neighbouring country.

Introducing Whiny

2005-09-22T22:16:00.002+08:00

Hello world, I'm Whiny the talking stethoscope.

Og: Eh.... you one of those rejected mascots?

Wah lau, I'm not rejected lah, but they neber use me only.
They preferred dancing veges.

Og: Sure or not?

Ok lah, tell you all the truth, they say I look like a snake..... wait scare little children...... haha!

Whoa! am I sexy or what!

My current altruistic mission is to continue the crusade against ill health! (England cheem or what, haha). Without all the cheesy jingles and TV ads of course!

Today, my topic will be on BMI.

A normal BMI is between 20-25. Beyond 25 you are a fat bastard!

Og: Eh, I think you outdated liao leh. This is the new guideline lah!

Oh really??

Neber mind! Then let me tell you about high blood pressure! Before I became a mascot, I was a BP set stethoscope, but I broke up with the sphygmomanometer when I found out she was seeing a Littman Classic! That bitch.....

Well, back to health education! Anything above 140/90mmHg is considered high blood pressure and you have to see doctor and start life style modifications! Means you gotta get your fat ass out of the couch and do some exercise!!!!

Og: Hmmmm, i think there is a new guideline for hypertension.

What???? Change again?? Wah biang! Ok, ok, don't think you can dent my passion for public education like that! Better go get more CME points and update myself.....

I'll be BACK!
Watch out for Whiny and his friends as they fumble in their feeble attempts at mascoting!

PS: A reader said that I insulted the place she/he is working in with this post. As A Doc's Life is a happy happy blog with no negative intentions of any kind (REALLY!), I edited the post. Hope everyone is happy :)

A Long Time Ago, in a hospital far, far away...Part Two

2005-09-22T12:53:00.002+08:00

I did see quite a few cases during the time in the hospital far, far away a long time ago.

The farmer with the cobra bite was lying next to a farmer with viper bite. What I learnt was

The farmer with the cobra bite was dying from respiratory failure
The farmer with the viper bite was dying from renal failure
You can roughly "guess-timate" what species the snake belonged to by looking at the position of the bite. A bite above the ankle, around the shin tends to indicate a cobra. A bite below that would suggest a viper. These two farmers apparently both brought the snakes, which were quite dead on arrival
Not everyone can afford anti-venom

The man who fainted while bathing near a generator suffered carbon monoxide poisoning. What I learnt was

He was smiling/grinning inappropriately at everyone inside the room
He was no longer capable of speaking
His son’s intellect is definitely higher than his. His son was around 7 years old
He did not know/doesn’t care about what a certain female in his room was doing. The lady was crying. The lady was his wife
Not everyone can afford hyperbaric treatment
Is there one in that city?

The man lying in the hospital bed placed in the veranda on the 2nd floor. He was in the sun. If it rains, he would be in the rain. What I learnt was

He had oral thrush
Because he had AIDS
He did not have much longer to live. And he’s probably dead by now
Doctors there used him to demonstrate oral thrush to the medical students
Not everyone can afford anti-retrovirals

The man with the grimace on his face while the nurses was packing the wound had Fournier’s Gangrene. What I learnt was that

It looked hideously painful.
If I was to rate how painful it looked on a scale of 1 to 10, it would be 100,000,000
You really want to look at this only after dinner. (This is a picture lifted off the internet. The man's wound was worse... much worse...)

There's more to come I guess...

2005-09-21T06:17:00.001+08:00

家有喜事，本店将休息两天。
如果闲着太闷，请去帮忙杀蚊子！

Houseman Survivor Guide: Kopi Politics

2005-09-18T23:25:00.003+08:00

Houseman Survivor Guide (Monkey Edition)
I. Introduction
II. Hospital Hierarchy
III. A Typical Day
IV. Painkillers
V. Meet The F*ckers
VI. Kopi Politics

Do understand that drinking coffee for a HO is not a leisurely activity. It is often a life saving measure. How to survive the rest of the day without a nice cool cup of kopi peng after a horrendous night call with no rest??!! Remember, post call (time off after night call) is a priviledge, NOT A RIGHT.

Kopi peng is the way to go. I will seriously not recommend hot coffee to any HO unless you want to burnt your throat gobbling down your cup-of-chino. No you still won't sound like Darth Vader after that, you idiot!

Notably, drinking coffee has become such an entrenched social activity amongst doctor that it has evolved into Politiks. This is akin to social smoking in other industries whereby if you don't go for smoking breaks with the Boss, you will be excluded from the boy's club. As most doctors do not smoke, or pretend not too, drinking kopi is our own version of social smoking. YEAH!

So dear HOs, please don't reject your senior's kind offer to go for a kopi break. In fact in some disciplines, it is mandatory to lim kopi after the morning rounds. These are times when your seniors actually have time to talk about your performance and as Asians generally do not criticise people in their face, the more you go for kopi, the less likely people will talk bad about you!

It is also tradition that the most senior doctors pay for the kopi while the most junior go pang kopi (carry the coffee). It is important that you know the different combi:

Kopi orh kosong: no sugar no milk (for fat doctors on diet)
Kopi: with milk with sugar (for fat doctors, how did you think they became fat in the first place?)
Kopi Si: with evaporated milk (for fat doctors with no idea what they want)
Kopi Peng: with ice (for fat doctors who otherwise will be perspiring away)

(NB: If you purchase a full copy of the HO survivor guide, Dr Og not only teach you how to carry coffee, I will also teach you how to carry ass! Order one today!)

Sometimes, our poor HOs don't even have time to get a decent cup of coffee. I once saw this poor chap (yes Rambo, I'm talking about you!) pouring a packet of 3 in 1 into his mouth after a busy night call!!! So sad hor..... like that waste coffee!

I Love You Too

2005-09-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

I once had an eccentric colleague named Bob (name changed to protect his identity). He was 5 years older than I was and I loved listening to his exploits.

One day, we were just having our usual boh liao conversation when he told me, " You know BL, I told my mum that I loved her yesterday......"

While you might see caucasians hugging one another in sitcoms saying "I love you all" all the time, we Chinese never ever do so. Maybe he came from a really westernized family?

"No lah." He replied. "Its just that it hasn't been easy for me to get to where I am today if not for them. I always felt I never thank my parents enough."

Indeed, Bob did not take the usual route to medicine. He only decided he wanted to study the art of healing after he completed his National Service. He had to wait another year while he applied for an overseas university and his parents had to mortgage their flat to support him through his studies in UK.

"After that, I ran up to my dad, gave him a hug and said I love you too!" He said, laughing. "He looked so in shock, I was worried he would get a stroke, hahaha...."

His words made me wonder when it was that I last expressed some form of gratitude towards my own parents. Being ever so busy with work I had always put off plans to bring them out. You cannot forget that important anniversary with the wife or girlfriend without grave consequences but you always knew that all your parents would say is "Its ok, the next time" if you had to cancel. Perharps all that is needed was a simple gesture like Bob's. A simple gesture that is so difficult to accomplish in our culture.

Suddenly, I felt I missed my parents alot.

"So how did your mum react? She must be really touched! Did she cry?" I asked.

Bob said sheepishly," No lah, she scolded me for giving her goose pimples!"

Mooncake Diagnostic Criteria

2005-09-16T22:14:00.001+08:00

Mooncake (original)

Mooncake (with different shapes and colours)

Mooncake (snowskin, sibei highclass)

?????~~Moon~~cake?????

Og's Mooncake Diagnostic Criteria

A. Characteristic Features: Two (or more) of the following,

Round (can be circular or oval, even eliptical, as long as curved).
Fillings are made of lotus seed, tao sa (red bean paste) or black bean paste.
Skin is baked into dark brown crust or made of bing pee snow skin.
Palm-sized.
Contain yellow egg yolk.

Note: Only one Criterion A feature is required if you find a note telling you to prepare for a rebellion against the Mongolians or if there is 4 egg yolks in the mooncake! What else in the world has 4 egg yolks, DOH!

B. Unhealthy Index: A real mooncake will be severely filling after one and cause you indigestion if you take one too many. It is extremely high in calories, do not take with energy drinks or you may spontaneuosly combust.

C. Exclusion criteria: Mooncakes made up of ice-cream are not mooncakes, they are ice-cream. Those made up of cheese, green tea or chocolate are also excluded. (they are just cake, can?) Those made of wasabi are just plain disgusting.

################

Please lah! Can respect culture abit or not?? Everything also call mooncake then I let your children play with this lantern you want?

INTERVIEW WITH A DOCTOR (to be) – FIRST PART

2005-09-16T10:00:00.004+08:00

I come from a time when pre-university students have to go through this interview in order to enter the faculty. First, one would receive this letter saying that he or she is short-listed for the interview. I believe many would start calling their friends and ask whether they receive the same letter…

(Lai Ka Lan who received the letter called Lim Nia Hia)
Lai Ka Lan says: “Eh… I got the letter for the medicine interview today! How about you?”
Lai Ka Lan thinks: “Wah lau… he better not get it man. Less competition…”

Lim Nia Hia says: “Congrats! I actually got it too!”
Lim Nia Hia thinks: “Shit. How can someone like him be short listed. More competition now…”

Lai Ka Lan says: “Great! See you there then!”
Lai Ka Lan thinks: “Sian one half liao…”

Soon, the day comes. People preparing for the interview generally start thinking about things… perhaps this is what goes on in their heads.

Hok Kien Ping: “…Chao Ch** By*…. Still having field camp on an offshore island the day before the interview…. How to get ready?” [Males tend to pick up certain languages in Army]
[Hok Kien Ping did not make it past the interview]

Chao Maa Ger: “[for the 1000th time]…the reason I want to be a doctor is because I always wanted to save lives… Personally I feel that as a doctor, I can……”
[Chao Maa Ger was on the Dean’s list every year in medical school. He is currently a registrar in one of the internal medicine department. His friends are all still medical officers. Till this day, he still does not have a life.]

Ma Mee Boy: “…I want to do theatre studies… that’s my dream… but since mum and dad wants me to be a doctor….”
[ Ma Mee Boy grew up to be a repressed person, often unconsciously venting his frustrations on the patients…]

Wo Mei Ma: “…hmm..what should I wear to the interview? Does this skirt go with the pink blouse?”
[Wo Mei Ma ended up as a gynaecologist, toting her LV bag as she does her rounds in the hospital…]

Da Ser Lang: “…(rubbing his hands in glee)…I always love girls with brains and looks…”
[Da Ser Lang came for the interview but left when he saw the girls sitting outside the interview rooms]

You Ai Xin: “….”
[You Ai Xin did not have much time to think about the interview. She was busy doing volunteer work in one of the developing countries. She passed the interview and completed her MBBS degree. She takes time off to provide free medical services in those same developing countries]
Shen Jing Bing: "....because the voices told me to....because the voices told me to...because the voices told me to..."
[Shen Jing Bing is now working in a mental hospital]

B L Og: “…Arts? OUT. Engineering? NO. Law? NOPE. Science? NAH. Medicine? Can consider lah. What else is there to do? Sian… got stupid interview. Just go there and talk lor…”[Dr. BL Og went through medical school and is currently working in State General. During his free time, he blogs.]

*Hint: Just wear to the interview what you would wear to a funeral...

More to come...

Beggers ARE INDEED Choosers

2005-09-15T12:00:00.001+08:00

Since so many female readers actually expressed their keen interests in Single and Available Doctors (SAD). I thought I might as well do some good and play the matchmaker. First, I surveyed the grounds.

I asked 10 SAD male doctors ranging from the age of 27-51 what characteristics they look for in a wife.

Doctor Hum Sup: Hmmmm, definitely not anything less than C cup. I like to grope.

Shortest Man in Medicine: Exactly, exactly...... Also cannot be taller than me. A pride thing.

Doctor Rons: True Love.

Doctor from Dean's List: Should be a professional in one way or the other. Preferably, someone who excels in her work, like myself.

Plastic Specialist arrogantly: Looks are not all that important, after all we can change it!

The doctors echoed in unison: Yes.... yes.....

Doctor in his fifties: In my younger days, being virgo intacta was important.

Again the doctors echoed in unison: Yes..... yes.....

Doctor Rons: True Love.

The other 4 doctors were too tired from their night calls to care about falling in love.

*******************

From the descriptions provide by these 10 doctors, I searched high and low and found a perfect match:

Short and ugly enough to need plastics. Looks like enough to pass for C cup. Prolly still a virgin since no man will want to bed her!

Source of picture

Totally fits their bill. And as for true love, Dr Rons, I know you truly truly love Ru Hua!

Don't be so choosy, CAN?

A Long Time Ago, in a hospital far, far away...Part One

2005-09-14T22:41:00.003+08:00

I went to this country as part of an exchange program a long time ago…

Some of the things that impressed upon me was

How old the hospital was and they are still using it
How many patients they manage to cramp into the ward
How patients require a family member to go to a nearby pharmacy to buy the drugs the doctors ordered in the morning. The only thing the hospital could dispense was some vitamin. If the patient had no family members to go buy for him, well…. the doctor can order the drug, but the patient will never get it
How nurses cook lunch for the staff in the ward. Lunchtime was spent in the hospital pantry eating some noodle-like thing a nurse cooked.
How I saw the biggest/longest “male member” in a man who came (forgive the pun) for an elective hernia operation. Must be using a lot of effort holding the weight up, but that is another story for another day
How a guy with a knife in his back came into the A&E
How the grand ward round/teaching round was conducted…

(I am going to use the local, equivalent term to describe what happened)
Medical students
- Follows the round
- Examine patients
- Copying the pearls of wisdom that comes from the mouth of the consultant/senior consultant/professor
- * Asking foreigners like me how my Monkey Republic is. More preoccupied with passing exams rather than whether Monkey Republic is a good place to work.
House Officer
- Follows the round
- Take notes
- Sometimes carrying drinks e.g. tea or coffee for the consultants. NOT packet drinks. They actually hold a tray with tea and coffee on it!
- *Asks foreigners like me what the pay is like and whether he can come work in Monkey Republic.
o I was trying to be as discouraging as possible in a subtle way because he did not look very stable, as though he was high on drugs. I have seen drug addicts who look/are clearer headed that this guy was.
Medical Officer/Registrar
- Follows the round
- Sometimes help the houseman take notes
- Sometimes use a fan (the manual, paper one, not an electric fan!) to cool the consultant/professor
- Sometimes carry drinks e.g. tea or coffee for the senior consultants/professors
- *Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they too want to apply for some position in good ol’ Monkey Republic. Probably they are unaware that when they come here, many end up as medical officers and will need to do many night calls.
Consultant
- Follows the round
- Occasionally drops pearls of wisdom from the mouth
- Engages in friendly talk with foreigners like myself
- Sometimes examine the patient
- *Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they too want to apply for some position in good ol’ Monkey Republic. Probably they are unaware that when they come here, many end up as registrars and will need to do calls.

Senior Consultant/Professors
- Would be the one who get served drinks and fanning the most
- Occasionally drops pearls of wisdom from the mouth
- Rarely examines the patient
- Engages in friendly talk with foreigners like myself
- Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they have accepted the fact that they are not going to come to Monkey Republic. Treated as “national talent”, placed as the head of their department… don’t really need to come to Monkey Republic. Cannot even if they wanted to. Probably want to send their kids to Monkey Republic though.
Nurses
- Actually see them leading the round
- Fans, serves drinks, dry the perspiration off the faces of the senior consultants/professors
- Certainly, the higher the rank, the nearer she gets to the senior consultant/professors
Some of the consultants are brilliant doctors. They also have impeccable bedside manners. Patients love and respect them. Rare in developed countries nowadays. Both the doctors and the patients. They are brilliant teachers too. In fact, many of them possess clinical acumens that you don’t see very much of these days. They don’t have CT scan machines readily available. No MRI machines. No fanciful equipments. It’s really look, listen, feel, move…

你還記得我嗎 ﹖

2005-09-14T22:28:00.002+08:00

In the wake of recent earth shaking events in the blogsphere, bloggers are now tiptoeing on what to blog about. I reckoned the safest blogs will be those girlie ones which focuses on meaningless BGR.

Dr BL Og shamelessly copycat:

她是我同班同學 ﹐也是公認的校花。長得不怎樣的我根本靠不到她的身邊。而她對我說的第一句話便是 ﹕“你長得真象青蛙。。。。”

我們在這種沒有關系的情況下過了半年。遇見時也只是打打招呼而已。

有一天 ﹐ 覺得無聊 ﹐ 決定翹課。到商場閑逛的時候竟然遇見她 ﹗ 我們彼此望着對方﹐ 笑了起來。原來她也受不了那悶死人的物理老師。就這樣 ﹐ 我們在咖啡廳聊了一個下午 ﹐ 她對我的印象也應此大有改進 ﹗

雖然關係好了 ﹐ 我也只是在她身邊的其中一只蒼蠅。但我並不象那些死皮賴臉的無恥之輩。我好歹也出自名校 ﹐ 怎麼可以為了追求一個女孩而做出一些有辱校風的事 ﹗ 我唯有默默的徘徊在她的身邊。

我看着她愛上籃球隊的隊長。我看着她失戀。我看着她又愛上學生會的會長。我又看着她失戀。後來她好象累了 ﹐ 她哭着說不想再談戀愛。為了安慰她 ﹐ 我和她一起翹課 ﹐ 到海邊散步。為了逗她開心 ﹐ 我不惜花時間為她折千紙鶴。

那年華人農歷初三 ﹐ 她突然打了個電話 ﹐ 要我和她單獨到“春到合畔 ”。很巧 ﹐ 我的死黨 S 也想找我出去逛逛。我竟然傻得叫他一起去 ﹗ 現在回想起 ﹐ 也真不知道自己當時在做些什麼 ﹗

不用說 ﹐ S 和她一拍即合 ﹗ 畢竟 S 當時是個小混混﹐ 他還擁有自己的一輛摩托車。比起我這個不起眼的 “ 青蛙 ”﹐ 真的酷多了 ﹗ 我也只能怪自己白白的丟了一個大好的機會。。。。。

S 不到一個星期就已經對我說 ﹕“ 我想我是愛上她了 ﹗ ” S 每天騎着他的摩托車來接她放學。她也從來沒拒絕過 S 。

我決定不再對她存有任何幻想。漸漸地 ﹐ 我刻意疏遠了她。我不再和她一起搭公車。我不再和她一起到餐廳吃飯。我無時無刻都在逃避她的眼神。我的成勣這時候已經一落千丈 ﹐ 我不能在墮落下去。我必須全神投入在功課之中。

很奇怪 ﹐ 後來 S 跟本沒追到她。也許應為 S 只是個中學畢業生吧。

考完試後 ﹐ 我開始了國民服役的生涯。聽說她要到國外流學。臨走前 ﹐ 她寫了封信給我。最後一句話是 ﹕ “ 我不知道你為何避開我 ﹐ 也許你只當我是小丑 ﹐ 我卻當你是我最好的朋友 ﹐ 也請你不要回應這封信。”

就這樣 ﹐ 我們斷交了。。。。。。

再與她偶遇竟然是在八年後的一個深夜。我們都在職班。她是麻醉師而我為病人動小手術。她對我說的唯一一句話 ﹕ “ 可以開始了。” 我默默的點頭。

其實我很想問她 ﹕ “ 你還記得我嗎 ﹖....... 你快樂吧 ﹖ ”

Que Sera, Sera

2005-09-13T15:23:00.001+08:00

Along the way, there were a couple of questions on what Dr Og would have been if he didn't become a doctor. Honestly, ever so often when I get burnt out, I ask myself the same question.

As someone without much ambition to begin with, I would have liked to do something like teach piano at home..... though I have to learn how to play the piano first. Or maybe becoming a full time tuition teacher would have been great! But I would prolly just end up playing Xbox with my students the whole day.....

I remember when I was in Primary school, we were often asked to write the obligatory essay on "What I Want To Be When I Grow Up" or "My Ambition" or something to that extend. You know the drill. While other kids would write about becoming astronauts, lawyers, doctors (haha stupid kids), the ever so honest me once answered the question this way:

" I will like to be a videoshop owner and do nothing but watch video and sleep."

Of course I did not mention that my dream videoshop will have a secret compartment for you know what. hehe.

Or that I will get a FT to man the shop while I go snozzZZZZZe!

I had it all planned!

Nevertheless, my essay pissed the 40-year-old-virgin-teacher off. She reprimanded me in front of the class for my lack of ambition though I seriously suspect that she was angry only because my 16 worded essay was too short. (Dammit, should have included the part about the secret compartment.) This childhood trauma of mine ultimately resulted in an unconscious desire for me to prove her wrong. Thus I ended up a doctor. I will never forgive her!

Anyway with all the piracy these days, the video rental industry prolly isn't thriving like before. Dr Og will have to think of other alternatives should I decide not to practice medicine anymore.

I will really like to be a Char Kway Teow hawker. My affinity with lard runs deep, its in my blood (as shown by my recent cholesterol blood test). Char Kway Teow without lard is really like a man who cannot stand (without viagra)!

If I ever become a hawker, rest assured the kway teow I char will be dripping with fats. And the more hum the merrier! Come to think of it, I really regretted doing my electives in Dermatology during my 4th year in Med School. Should've spent the time learning this great art from the store in Outram.

Like any little boy, there was a time I hated girls and swore to be a monk when I grow up after watching Jet Lee's Shaolin temple. That was of course before I discovered the secret compartment of an unethical videoshop. But these days it isn't easy being a monk either! You may have to immerse yourself in icy cold water or even repel down a building...... all in the name of charity.

Dr Og is too chicken hearted to ever try this!

Beggers ARE Choosers

2005-09-12T20:49:00.002+08:00

As doctors, not only do we treat illnesses, very often we have to attend to the social needs of our patients. As with everything in medical science, we gave it a name and called it holistic care.

Doc: Mr Tan, so how are you.

Patient: Ok loh, this new medicine very expensive leh.

Doc: You need this medicine, all the old ones didn't work for you. So how? Found a job?

Patient: The one the social worker recommend no good lah.

Doc: Why?

Patient: Wah lau, ask me to be cleaner. So smelly and dirty.

Doc: How about security guard, I know they got lots of openings.

Patient: Wah lau, lagi jialat, 12 hrs shift wor! How to tahan.

Doc: What do you want to do then?

Patient: Mebbe something got aircon like office work that kind and pay must be more than $2000. But I don't know computer leh.

Doc: Are you getting any financial aid from CDC?

Patient: $400 dollars lah. My brothers also gimme some money loh.

Doc: So enough?

Patient: Wah lau, nowadays where got enough? Go Geylang one time all finish liao! Wah lau why now medicine all so expensive? Can cheaper or not?

Doc: Your medicine is more expensive because it is new. The prices are set by MOH.....

Patient: But you doctor mah, why you never go ask gahmen to make it cheaper??? Its your responsibility!

Dear ~~gahmen~~, my patient wants me to tell you (apparently my responsibility to do so) that he cannot afford his medications because he spent all his financial aid in Geylang probably for the purpose of hookers, booze and of course smoking.

Thank you!

Diary of A Small Doctor

2005-09-12T08:58:00.002+08:00

"What??!!!" The Senior Consultant shouted and in that moment of anger he waved his hands wildly. He may have forgotten he had a cup of hot coffee in his hand. My poor clinical group (CG) mate had jumped out of the way but still got his lab coat stained with hot coffee. At least he wasn't burnt.

Why was he so angry? All we did was to give a wrong answer. Now we know that the most common cause of liver cirrhosis in the local population is Hep B and not alcoholism. I am sure the whole CG will remember that for life.

" Wah, your lab coat like that how to see case?" I asked my friend. He wasn't keen at all to go home.

He told me, "No big deal....."

Yup. Its really no big deal. This was the first time coffee was poured (not delibrately) on us but we get scolded almost everyday. I remember my very first day in clinical posting as a third year medical student. The tutor said blatantly to the whole group of us, "You all don't look like you can make it. Why don't you transfer to Science."

Thanks, after two years of intensive theoretical studies, they tell us we are not doctor material.

Soon we realise that the hospital is just one big hostile mine field. You offend the nurses by taking the casenotes when they are passing report, they complain to your clinical teacher. You cannot use the photocopying machine in the office or they complain to your clinical teacher. You do nothing so as to not offend anyone, your clinical teacher complains to the dean.

You beg for the chance to examine the gravid abdomen, you plead for the chance to PR an enlarged prostate and you go down on your knees for a chance to clerk a case of Wilson's disease which despite its rarity is a favourite exam case.

But think about it. Maybe, just maybe, all these humbling experiences instilled some humility into would be doctors whose ego would otherwise be unmanageable. As students we were constantly at the mercies of the nurses, administrative staff, doctors and clinical teachers. As doctors we are at the mercies of illnesses, disorders and uncurable diseases. We learn that we are not TUA LOKUN......

...... but xiao yi shen.

____________________

Dear Australian Med Student, I hope the above can answer some of your questions with regards to why local HOs tend to adjust better to their new identity than Australian grads that come back. We are trained here and we know the idiosyncracies of the system. Whether you like it or not, local grads do show more respect to their seniors. On the other hand, they may sometimes present with less confidence. But what we want in HOs is not to yaya think he knows everything and treat wrongly but to look to senior drs for advice and guidance.

写华文

2005-09-11T16:45:00.002+08:00

周末，我去喝酒。

过后去喝咖啡。刚喝了酒，还不能那么快开车。

可以和朋友谈天，叙叙旧，开玩笑，把工作上的烦恼都放在一旁。

这两天不必做夜班，还真爽。=P

好久没有写华文字了。

和病人还有他们的家属说话，只需要讲华语，跟本不必写。

还记得最后一次用华文是为一个五六十岁的老婆婆。

她的儿子患上精神分裂症。她丈夫两个月前中风，现在说话也有问题。

以前还有老公来为孩子拿药，现在，这责任全部都在她身上。

她看不懂英文，从小就受一点点华文教育。她本来也没有必要懂英文。

她把孩子，丈夫和自己的药都带来。

她说她看不懂药包装上的指示，希望我能帮她。

我拿起我的笔，脑子想把老师多年前所教过的都记起来。（要记得，已经好久好久没写了。。。）

“。。。声音的。。。早上和晚上。。。一次两粒。。。”

“。。。睡觉的。。。不会睡才吃。。。一次一粒。。。”

“。。。咳嗽的。。。一天三次。。。一次一汤匙。。。不咳就不必喝。。。”

“。。。。。。”

“aunty。。。我不会写，用汉语拼音可以吗？。。。”

她微笑着点头。

离开之前，她说“。。。医生，你的华文还ok吗。。。再见。。。”

我也微笑了。

看着我的病人显示表，我对自己说“好吧…another 18 more patients to go…”

The Waiting Game II

2005-09-10T17:28:00.002+08:00

Thank you all for the lively debate (quarrel rather) for my previous post. I declare the winner to be Australia. Seems like doctors are fed up with patients and the public even more so with doctors. And everyone thinks that immigrating to Australia is a solution to their grievances.

Until then, you chaps will still be stuck here (too bad) and the long queue in most clinics will not be improving anytime soon. So let Dr Og tell you ten things you must bring along for your next appointment to beat the waiting game!

1) Handphones are a requisite! Other than making calls to tell your boyfriend you will be late (again), girls can call their jie mei and gossip about the latest BGR in the office. You can also use it to knock the head of the chee ko pek who tries to sit too close to you. Most importantly, pretend to be calling the hosptial complaint unit in front of the counter so that they will put you to the front of the queue!

2) MP3 player. Some stupid people will forget to switch off their hp when they pretend to complain and the phone starts ringing from an incoming call! If that happens, you will automatically be thrown to the back of the queue! This is when your MP3 player comes in handy. What better to do than to listen to podcast? (Dr BL Og's podcast of Hokkien Kwa akan datang!) The Ipod is a perfect match for the hospital environment with its white sanitary look.

3) You must bring your favourite tidbits so that you have something to bite as you wait. Melon seeds and peanuts are highly recommended. You can scatter the shells all over the floor and make a mess in revenge for the long wait!!!!

4) Better also prepare some chrysanthemum tea or not wait eat too much nuts very HEATY! (Also please rinse your mouth before you see your doctor. Bad breathe is just not a good way to build rapport.)

5) Mr Bean's mask. Better to wear a mask before you pop your head into the doctor's consultation room to see what the hell he is doing taking so long. Like that he won't recognize you and be nasty later! You might just want to hide your face especially if its the Kelantan Clinic you are waiting at. (Mr Bean's mask is available for SIN$99.95, email me!)

6) Paper. Might as well note down whatever you want to tell the doctor so that you won't miss a thing during the one minute consultation!! Just shove it into his face and he will have to do your bidding!!!! You can also fold paper aeroplanes if you are really really bored (and Dr Og's out of tune podcast hokkien kua does not interest you!).

7) Pen. What do you want to write on the paper with??? Anyway sometimes you might need to sign certain documents and you sure don't want to use the doctor's pen. Who knows where he last poke his fingers????

8) Prepare some coins so as to buy more tidbits and drinks at the vending machine when you run out of your own supply! Coins are also good for tossing: heads means my turn next, tails means I gotta wait longer!

9) Did you know that some hospitals are WAP ready??? Now you can bring your laptop and serve the internet as you wait! Research on your own illness and beat the doctors in their own game!!!!!! (You can also keep refreshing sgdr.blogspot.com!)

10) Bring a mirror. Some of the patients look like ghosts after the long wait (no fault of theirs). Please brush off the cobwebs on your hair before you leave the clinic and go take bus.

You don't want to scare little school children do you????

The Waiting Game

2005-09-09T08:34:00.002+08:00

Tan (name changed to protect his identity) was a chow recruit but today he was damn happy he can book out of camp. He had an appointment with the bone doctor in the morning and maybe he might still have a bit of time to meet his girlfriend before going back to camp in the afternoon.

Recruit Tan's appointment was at 9am, he decided to arrive early just to make sure he got seen on time. The clinic started registration at 8:50am and there was already a lot of aunties and uncles forcing their way into the front of the queue. When he finally recieved his queue number, it was "Room 10, 1030".

"What! Isn't the appointment at 9???" But he thought to himself maybe the number was not reflective of the appointment time. He knew he was wrong when the first number that flashed on the board was "0900". Still he kept quiet.

It was 10:40am on Recruit Tan's casio watch and he was not called in yet. The anticipation was killing him as he fidgetted in his seat. "What the hell, tell me to come at 9 am then until now still not seen!" The number flashed again "1025". "Ok, Ok next me liao!" But when "1025" came out, the number flashed "1040". Now Recruit Tan really became very kan cheong!

"Maybe they forgot me?" "Maybe I wasn't properly registered?" "Maybe they made a mistake??"

He went up to the counter to ask, was given a cold hard stare that said "Can't you see we are already very busy!" and asked to wait some more.

The numbers jumped up and down a few more times before Recruit Tan was seen at 11:30am. The doctor simply took a look at his Xray, gave him three months excuse running and told him to go get his painkillers from the pharmacy. He came out of the consultation room at 11:33am.

All the Hokkien expletives Recruit Tan ever learnt (from his father) was going through his head as he walked to the pharmacy. "Why the Hell they make me come so early and wait almost 3 hours!" Now he got no time to go see girlfriend. Hell, he didn't even have time to eat lunch as his CSM only gave him the morning off. He approached the pharmacist with his prescription and was told,

"Please take a queue number and wait for your number to be called."

------------------------------------------

If you haven't guess by now, I was the chow recruit Tan (name changed to protect MY identity). I had also experienced first hand the long and often ridiculous wait be it at GP, polyclinic or specialist clinics. As with the comments contributed in earlier posts, the factors leading to long waiting time can be attributed to 3 main areas: patients, doctors and admin.

Patients

1. If you come too early, you just wait longer.

Singaporeans are just kiasu. Everything also must be faster than other people. So if they have appointment at 10am, they will come at 9am hopping to be seen earlier. When they realise that they still have to wait, they will give excuses like they have to rush to work or have to fetch children from school in a hope to cut queue. But when everyone has the same excuse, who should we help???

2. Come late cannot wait, don't come don't say

Many patients come late since they have to wait anyway. When they do arrive, they want to be seen before those who come on time since their appointment time is already over. This simply jams up the queue and everyone ends up waiting longer. Worse still, those who default, do not cancel their appointments to free up the slots.

3. The Clinic Disruptor

These are people who have endless requests and goes in and out of the consultation room disregarding the fact that other patients exist. After they have been given their prescription, they leave the room only to come back for a memo and then comes back in again to ask for 2 more days MC. These people not only interrupt the consultation process but also compromise other patient's privacy with their behaviour. And YES! Head popping is also very irritating and disrupting!

Doctors

1. Bao Sua Bao Hai (Cover Moutain Cover Sea)

There is simply too little doctors to go around sometimes. The doctor gotta go for ward rounds in the morning and rush to clinics by 9am. If the round is long with too many patients, it can drag up to 12noon even. So the doctor goes to the morning clinics late, end the morning clinics late and starts the afternoon clinics late. Halfway, he may also have to attend to emergencies in the wards that HOs are unable to handle.

2. Just Late

Of course there are also doctors who goes to clinic late for no excusable reason.

3. Over Specialisation

The doctor in room 1 only sees leg problem, the doctor in room 2 only sees hand problem, the doctor in room 3 only sees finger problem. You see the problem? Suppose we have 10 patients and they can be distributed evenly over the 3 doctors, waiting time will be shorter than if all the patients have leg problems and can only specifically see room 1 while room 2 and 3 shake (their own) leg.

Admin

The REAL problem

Patients are not to be blamed. Most (like Recruit Tan) wait quietly for the doctors. We must really really thank them for their patience!

Doctors are not to be blamed. We don't like to chiong until like tat can? We also want to eat lunch in peace and not with palpitations, end the clinic early and go home early.

So where is the real problem?

The people who plan and run the clinics are not those who practice clinically there. They look only at statistics. Since on average, 30% of patients do not turn up for appointments, we can overbook the clinic by 30%. Yipee, problems all solved. But that is on average! If one day suay suay all turn up??? Then the clinics is running at 130% load. Who suffers?

Do they factor in pee breaks for doctors? Do they factor in patients who have impairment taking more time to come in and out of the room?

Yes, we can see patients in that 5 minute (or less) time frame. Only because we have no choice. Only because we are made to do so!

Floating Bodies?

2005-09-08T10:45:00.002+08:00

One day, during my attachment to the Accident and Emergency Dept, the medical officer whom I was shadowing was asked to see a case of "floater".

I excitedly asked, "wah floater, isit like those body float on Monkey River har?"

My MO gave me a knock in the head. "Floaters are those black specks you see floating in your eyes lah, you goondu!"

Chey, I thought what.

Floaters are actually tiny clumps of gel or cells inside the vitreous, the clear jelly-like fluid that fills the inside of your eye. They cast a shadow on the retina and are hence percieved as black objects FLOATING around. They are generally harmless and we do not usually notice them. Sometimes a kan cheong aunty having a lot of stress lately will turn up at the doctor's when they suddenly notice these black floating stuff.

Aunty: lokun ar, die liao! I see some dark dark thing float pass me wor! Mebbe is a ghost!
Lokun: I refer you to the temple medium, actually just next block only.

No huh, no huh! As floaters can sometimes be a symptom of a more serious eye problem, we always ask the ophthalmologist to take a look.

On a more serious note, Dengue Fever has reached an epidemic level in Singapore! To quote our favourite national paper "Public hospital are postponing non-urgent operations because their wards are clogged with dengue patients." Wah the last time such a thing happened was during SARS!

Eh, but what does floaters have to do with dengue fever huh? Let you in on a little secret! Dr Og used to be an expert in killing those bloody (literally, not swearing here) irritating mosquitoes. I dare say I am better than karate kid with his lousy pair of chopsticks!

But sadly, as Dr Og now old liao, those bloody (now I'm swearing) irritating floaters are getting more and more and have seriously impaired my ability to kill those pesty flying vampires. Imagine, moquitoe black black, fly pass you. Then the floaters also black black float pass you. Arrghhh! Cannot tell the difference!

Despite all these, Dr Og swears (again) by his honour to continue his unrelenting battle against the evil Aedes mosquitoes by switching on the aircon and shutting all the windows tight tight!

Floaters! NOT mosquitoes!!

Trackback : Dengue Alert!

Q&A

2005-09-07T15:18:00.002+08:00

Some questions were directed at myself and some angry doctor….

Don't you have friends who say funny things?

Definitely, I have friends who say funny things. But many times when you write them down, they lose their humour. Patients tell me funny things too. And sometimes, funny patients tell me things.

Taxi drivers who give way to you along ECP?

If I am inside an ambulance, the taxi driver would usually give way to me. Apart from that, no. There was once I passed by a taxi with a badly dented front bumper on the road shoulder though. (This counts?) The taxi driver was rather animated, gesturing when shouting at this other man whose wrecked car was in front of the taxi.

The tree in your garden which looks like Bart Simpson?

Dr. BL Og don’t have a garden. I do have a toilet brush that looks like Bart Simpson.

The girl who looks damn good but spits shopping lists?

Well, I do know this girl who looks damn good but she spits. Told me she don’t like to swallow.

The topless SLK you ordered during clinic?

Dr. BL Og did not order a topless SLK. Wanted to get a Corolla instead. More space. Maybe for the girl who looks damn good.

Don't you go to Ngee Ann City to see lion dance competitions?

Was having coffee at coffee club at Taka. In a way I saw the lion dance competition from above. And btw, the lion dancers were burning incense paper along Orchard Road. Some #$@% idiot was standing on the road while doing that…almost hit him in my Corolla.

There has got to be something else?!!!

Read the blog I guess. =)

Ignorance Is Bliss?

2005-09-06T23:05:00.002+08:00

A recent post by Blinkymummy sparked an entire debate over whether Hepatitis B is a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). Hep B is prevalent in Asian countries like Taiwan and Hongkong where the main mode of transmission is prolly perinataly from mother to child. So to call Hep B a STD in a place where the bulk of carriers never acquired it through sex and where a whole family might be carriers is actually rather distasteful.

But that does not detract us from the fact that it is still a STD. To the medically trained it is as simple as this, Hep B can be a STD not that it is necessarily sexually transmitted. We have no intention to discriminate against anyone with Hep B. The poor doctor who tried to defend this stand got hammered rather mercilessly (read this).

But can we really blame them for their misconception?

Just last Saturday, I was having breakfast with my mother and wife.......

BL: Wah lau, Ma,weather so hot, I want kopi peng, why you get me hot coffee????
Ma: Wah lau, drink kopi peng wait you get tnee jeo (diabetes)
BL: tell you so many times already diabetes is not caused by kopi peng lah! speaking which, are you taking your high blood pressure meds? You know ah, diabetes, obesity and hypertension makes up the metabolic syndrome and is associated with increase in cardiac event........

Wife and mother totally ignoring me, gossiping amongst themselves.

Mother: Daughter in law ah, you must remember hor, when in confinement, cannot bath har! Otherwise will get hong sip (rheumatism)!
BL interrupts: wah lau, Ma, you know or not one. Rheumatism is due to problems with the body's immune system resulting in the immune system attacking its own body......
Mother: Ah boy! Don't be silly, hong sip is caused by water entering the bones!

Mother and wife laughs at me heartily.

Tell me how I can blame others for not understanding when I cannot convince my own mother kopi peng does not cause diabetes???

Another time, I was trying to convince an ah pek to take his meds.

Ah pek: Limpeh trained in martial arts, body good and strong! Why should I take medcine ar?
BL: Uncle you see ar, this chemical affect this receptor resulting in this effect. So good for your body lah.
Ah pek: Li kong simi? (what talking you?) I just abit heaty mah!
BL: Ok uncle, let me explain to you slowly.

After 1/2 hour,

Ah pek: Lokun, limpeh trained in martial arts, body good and strong, just a bit heaty, why must take this medcine?
BL give up liao: yah yah, uncle this medcine is VERY LIANG (cooling) and VERY GOOD TONIC for old people!
Ah pek: Aiyah say so earlier lah!

Where The Fingers Do The Talking

2005-09-05T11:35:00.002+08:00

Recent research (Og et al 2006) showed that blogging has been linked to an expanding abdominal girth! Time to do some REAL exercises!

The most common comment I recieved is:

Doc, you so free meh?

Wah lau! I am not so free ok. Other than ward rounds, clinics, writing reports and preparing for presentations, I also have to do the laundry, vacuum my carpets, wash my car and eat/shit/sleep. So really! I am not so free, can?

I think the idea that I am very free comes from the reader's observation that I have been writing a lot of nonsense on the blog. I am a little surprise at how much I have written though some of them were really churned out by the million crazy monkeys of mine. But gimme a minute to explain here.

The Motivation
What really motivated me to blog? To be honest, I was looking for something to do with my broadband (which still has like one year contract) after the gahmen came down so hard on downloading and scared me shitless. I mean what else is there to do online? I don't need to xian Char bor over friendster and osteoathritis of my fingers is really preventing me from gettin any frags in Counterstrike.

A Hobby?
Not like blogging is a hobby or something. But I'm too old to go Zouk and too poor to go Lido Palace. So what to do on those Saturday nights if I'm not on call????? Orchard road is just too crowded and the weather is so alamak hot!

The Time Factor
But how do I find the time to write so much nonsense? Obviously my incessant rantings have irritated quite a few people. My wife will rather I kpkb on the blog then unload all my complains on her. hahahaha.

If you can understand, blogging is not like Primary school where your teacher give you a topic and you die die have to write about it. I write about things that I think about, feel for and see around me. So strictly speaking, I blog all the time. As long as I feel, think and see, I am blogging (in my head). The action of having to physically type these down takes merely minutes to at most an hour. Incidentally, my mind is the clearest when I defecate and hence all those posts about anus and shit.

So I hope I have clarified about my excessive verbal diarrhoea but sorry hor, more is to come......:P

"HO! Please glove up!"

2005-09-04T15:42:00.002+08:00

One day, during my surgical rotation, I was paged by my HO to see a case of bleeding piles. When I got to the ward, I saw my registrar coming out of the cubicle which was curtained up. She must have been examining the patient with my HO.

"BL, haven't examine the patient yet, you take over, buay tahan!" She said and left in a huff. Hmmm, maybe the newbie HO did something wrong again.

I was proven to be wrong when the HO came from behind the curtain sniggering away. Strange..... I asked her what happened.

"You see yourself loh, but don't laugh ah!" She said.

Puzzled, I pushed the curtains aside and stepped in with the HO. There laying on the bed
was a young man in his early twenties. He was hugging a teddy bear. Chey, the HO like that also find funny meh? I myself was a great fan of teddy bears just that in our society if a guy collected this kind of thing, sure kenna ridicued!

I then politely asked the young man to take off his pants while I put on my gloves and squeezed some KY jelly (lubricant) onto my (gloved) fingers. The KY jelly in the hospital always look so yellowish, maybe keep too long. All ready, I turned to look at the guy's perineal area (the ass lah) and had the shock of my life!!

He was actually wearing a sanitary pad! What the @#$#%~!

I took a look at my HO who on seeing my reaction was obviously trying not to laugh. The ~~gay~~ guy sheepishly told me "I was bleeding so I thought better wear a pad (giggles)"

Being the professional doctor that I was, I removed his pad (with wings) despite feeling extremely nauseated. There were some blood stains on the pad but at a lower position that it usually would be. Closer examination did not reveal any prolapsed piles and I will need to insert my fingers.

My nausea became worse at this point as thoughts raced through my head. What if he actually enjoyed ~~my fingers~~ the examination? Yeeooooow!!!

Since shit always gravitate downwards, I said,

"HO! Please glove up!"

The Holiday Season

2005-09-02T18:08:00.002+08:00

It is the September school holidays and Mr Tan was all ready to set off for a short vacation to Hong Kong with his family. He had promised to bring his son to the new Disneyland.There was however just one little problem before they board the late afternoon flight to the pearl of the east. He had to dispose of his wheelchair bound mother.

"Damn that Ah Heng!" He cursed his younger brother under his breathe. Ah Heng was to have taken in the old lady but he called last night to tell Mr Tan that he was on his way to K.L

"You know lah, my wife complain hardly see her parents. So school holidays, I can bring the children all over. No so lucky like you ok, stay with mother!" His younger brother told him.

With that, Ah Heng was out of the question. Mr Tan tried calling his younger sister but she was busy with her sick father-in-law. "Some more there will be no place to sleep for mother! You think my place like your condo? I stay 4 room flat can?!"

He could have kept her home with the maid but his wife already has her hand full with the two older boys. They needed the maid to look after the youngest of the three, a two and a half year old toddler. "I don't care, the maid must come along. You try feeding the little one and see!" His wife had screamed at him earlier on. Indeed, only the maid can make that rascal eat.

So once again, Mr Tan had to resort to that last trick up his sleeves. He drove his mother in his MPV to Accident and Emergency. On the way there he was rehearsing his excuses, fabricating symptoms with his limited medical knowledge. Well, they were not really excuses. "Mother really had been coughing for the past two weeks. What if it was pneumonia or something? Better play safe, send to hospital. No harm getting another check up by the doctors..... "

They had arrived at the A and E at about 1pm. Mr Tan was getting increasingly anxious with the long queue. He had to go back home, pick up his wife and kids and rush to the airport. He took a peek at his mother who had been quiet all this while. She hasn't been talking much after the stroke which left her wheelchair bound. Flashes of memories of his mother bringing him and his siblings to Tao Payoh park appeared in his mind. Those days she was a big strong woman. When he saw his mother turning to look at him, he quickly turned away, afraid to look at the old lady in the eyes. At 4:30pm, they finally saw the doctor.

"Sir, I don't think there is anything serious enough to ward your mother for." The emergency doctor rejected his request. But he came prepared.

"What???!!! After I spent more than a hundred dollars on the private ambulance to bring my mother here, you say don't admit??? Can you be responsible if something happens? I want to complain!"

The part about complaining always worked. Mr Tan left the A and E at 5pm.

********************

"What's the story?" The Medical Officer asked his Houseman.

"75 year old lady. History of CVA with left hemiplegia. Social admission lah." The Houseman replied.

"Oh yeah, now is the September school hols. Season for granny dumping. December even worse!"

The Medical Officer spoke in Hokkien to the old lady, "Aunty how are you?"

Of which she replied in her slurred speech," Can have Milo? I never eat since morning."

As the two doctors walked away to ask the nurse for some food, Mdm Ong struggled to take out a picture of her grandsons from her pocket with her good hand. She missed them already. All she wished was that they had a good time in Hong Kong. It was just one week. One week later they will come, pick her up and she can go back home again.

Head Poppers!

2005-09-01T17:53:00.001+08:00

My clinic suffers from very severe head popping of patients who just can't wait for their turns! Today, I offically launch my head pops counter in my side bar to record how many heads actually pop into my clinic when not called!

Doctor Superstar

2005-09-01T07:10:00.002+08:00

If they can do it, so can we!

With the increasing bad publicity on doctors and hospitals these days, it is about time the faternity do something about its own image.

A good way I think will be to hold a reality idol contest, not unlike Singapore Idol or Project Superstar. Sorry hor, but this contest will not be extended to senior drs who are in their own rights idols already (yes, we worship them in the hospitals!!). We are going for an image revamp and receding hairline just does not fit the bill. Dentist, PhD holders, sinsehs and Steven Lim will of course be excluded as well.

The Arena
Where then should we hold the inaugural season of Doctor Superstar? My suggestion will be TTSH. After all it is always full (crowd garaunteed!) and the A and E waiting time is one of the longest (free entertainment for qeueing patients!). We can just relocate those left over wooden stages from the seventh month getai for a quick fix!
The finals will of course be held in the indoor stadium where the final two super doctors must perform appendicectomy on each other while singing the theme song! Cut throat stuff!!

The Looks
To be an idol these docs must score in the looks department. But heh, our recent top three idols comprised of a crater face pizza delivery boy, an Ah Beng wannabe and a Miss Piggy look alike. So no worries man! We have at least one doctor who made it to Cleo top 3 most eligible bachelor and at least one doctor who joined star search (but din make it to anything other than embarrassment). We will parade them in hospital scrubs, full OT gown and not forgetting our infectious control PAPR suit!

The ContestWith whole myriad of disciplines, it will be unfair to test our idols just on a particular field like X ray reading or surgical skills. Instead, we will stick to singing. We want to engage the public, make them feel that we are also heartlanders! We will sing hokkien gua! Lai ah lai ah, loctor chui gua, long zhong lai tia!

The ControvesyThere will be no lack of controvesy given that almost all doctors are visually impaired (when they take off their glasses). They are also emotionally handicapped like most patients and their family will tell you. Sleeping with judges to rig the contest can be staged with the camera crew secretly filming their left over underwears in the on call room!

The Judges
We will as usual need one bad guy, one good guy and an over the hill female singer. Since the singing is just for show, we might just go for an over the hill Mediacorp actress who had at one time been singing but is now busier with selling slimming products and baby milk powder. Dr Og will volunteer to be...... the good guy of course lah! I will invite that lady who made the bogus complain on the forum (see this) as our resident evil judge seeing that she had the ability to criticise doctors on national paper for no reason at all!

Come to think of it, staging such an event will be a logistic nightmare. Maybe it will be easier to just dump 10 doctors in Sister Island with some angry patients and families! The Survivor wins!!

Houseman Survivor Guide -Meet The F*ckers

2005-08-30T21:39:00.002+08:00

Houseman Survivor Guide (Monkey Edition)
I. Introduction
II. Hospital Hierarchy
III. A Typical Day
IV. Painkillers
V. Meet The F*ckers

This chapter will be about meeting family members of the patient. Communication with family members is a tricky business especially in these modern times. Do not expect them to come with chickens and eggs like in those period dramas to thank you. Be prepared for an onslaught as these days, the public view doctors with much animosity.

Be Prepared
Remember that you are the host here and there are many things you can do to put yourself at an advantage. For eg, prepare the interview room by turning the air-con to the max. In our hot weather, it is unlikely that they will come in sweaters. But of course you have one ready in the locker. No one will ask too many questions when they are freezing.

Do Not Be Intimidated
The most common mistake a newbie can make is to speak to a whole kumpung of relatives. With each one shooting a question at you like machine gun, no wonder you feel intimidated!! Identify the Indian Chief, make him the representative and turn the tables on him. Have you not notice why the senior consultant always has to have the HO and MO around when he speaks to family? It is not so that the HO can record minutes of what conspired in the meeting but to intimidate the representative with numbers!

Beware Of Handphones
These days, the mobile phones can be easily used as a voice recorder. On many occasions, family members had recorded conversations with Drs and they usually do so on the sly. Any evidence is usually beneficial to Drs since we have nothing to hide. But because this is such a rude act, it is mandatory for us to foil their evil plans, just for the kick of it.
Unless you have thousands of dollars to spare for an anti-spy device, my advice will be to speak in a soft and low tone. The recording will just turn out muffled! hahahaha!

Beware Who You Speak To
Never never speak to family members over the phone unless you already know them well. You can never positively identify the person on the other side of the line. It can be the company checking on the employee pretending to be family, it can be insurance agents investigating the patient's claims and sometimes it is just some kaypoh friends. Whatever the reason, the above mentioned have no rights whatsoever to access patient's info without his/her consent.

Be careful even when the relative is there in person! This really happened:

Relative: Lokun ar, how is Bed 10 ar?
Doc: Sorry m'aam, how are you related?
Relative: I'm the sister la.
Kiasu and Kiasi Doc: ok, can I just see your I/C to make a record..... hmmmm how come you have a different surname huh?
Relative: errrr, I'm the god sister lah!
Doc: In that case I think you better go ask her personally, I have told her about her condition.
Relative: Ya Lah! I ask her already, she don't want to say, thats why I ask you mah!

Sometimes we Singaporeans just don't know how to respect other people's privacy......

Dengue Alert!

2005-08-29T22:34:00.001+08:00

Being a responsible (but fake) doctor, I will take this opportunity while my traffic is still somewhat boasted by Sunday's publicity to spread an important message.

You see, I hate mosquitoes! The animosity began in those pre aircon days. At that time we only had fans and the windows were often opened big big to invite these foul creatures into the bedroom. Many nights as a young child I had to endure those sickening itch and could not sleep well. Poor sleep translated into poor attention in school, ultimately resulting in not so good results. I suspect this to be one of the two reasons why I was not given those prestigious gahmen scholarships (or not I will be some big shot writing policies, not blog!). The other being that I didn't apply.

My dislike for these flying vampires grew in my army daze where I was to experience first hand those frightening "tiger mosquitoes". This type of mosquitoes are damn fierce and can even suck your blood through the army uniform! But of course they still pale in comparison with other blood suckers like the forever increasing GST, income tax, road tax and radio license.

Now, mosquitoes not only get on my nerve, they also endanger our well being. Those Aedes mosquitoes carry the dengue virus. Don't worry mosquitoes don't spread the AIDS virus, you only get those from love bites (not mosquitoe bites). But keep in mind that Dengue is potentially fatal. If you have fever and rashes which are like little pin point red dots, please go see a doctor!

Most importantly, as the saying goes, prevention is better than cure (especially when dengue got no cure)! So I did my part by not watering the plants when my mother was away last month. I succeeded in causing most of the plants to dehydrate but when she came back, she was really hoping mad.

Mother: wah lau! why you never water my plants?
BL: wah lau, they breed mosquitoes ok! I get dengue how?
Mother: dun anyhow say ar! I clear the water in the pots everyday!!!!

Yah! Sure you do!

I guess the authority's initiative of getting more inspectors ~~to issue more fines~~ to check for stagnant water ain't gonna be too successful given that there are mothers out there who treasure their pots of plants more than the lifes of their sons. Maybe we should just import more of those slippery lizards! The two residential lizards in my home seemed to be having the time of their life with the feasting. Come to think of it, better go chase them around or not they get too obese and die from coronary heart disease!!!!